Dear friends,
It's so very nearly time. There seems to be a broken water main so there is no water to wash the last of my clothes. I guess I shouldn't have put it off. It should be fixed soon, but it hasn't been yet. Worst case scenario, I pack something dirty - I have plastic garbage bags if I need them. I still have a mess of stuff to take to the Teen Challenge drop-off, and I have to put what's left in a duffle and a backpack (with broken shoulder straps but working wheels and a carrying handle), load up what of my stuff I'm giving to my brother with the car - and then I'm off. Unemployed and homeless, and heading for parts unknown.
Except, God knows Los Angeles. He's still there, and He wants me to come too. To learn how to tell story, and to be part of the great story He's telling with my life. With all of our lives. I want to thank all of you for being part of my story over the past years. Thank you to those who prayed over me yesterday, who prayed over me last night. Who pray for me even if you couldn't be there to "pray me off," or just didn't know. Without your prayers, without your support I could not be who I am, I could not be doing what God is giving me to do. I thank Him so much for you all. I am so very blessed. Who am I that He would surround me so with His body? Or with Himself?
I'm leaving Chattanooga tonight. I have to be at the shuttle at 7:00 tonight - I've got friends I'll be staying with overnight (thank you Ann and Will) in order to catch my train in the morning. The plan had been to drive out, but last week after Ian's accident (don't ask me why I thought of it then), I decided it would be better stewardship to let my car go to Ian - he'll be able to get several more years of driving out of it, he can use another car, and if I took it it would probably break down trying to go over the Rockies. And since I'd been planning to sell it when I got out there anyway... My train ticket cost half what I'd budgeted for gas. And I won't have to drive.
When I hit L.A. on Friday, the adventure continues. It's fun to get the reactions when people say "well, where are you going to stay when you get there?" and respond "I have no idea," but since bridges aren't as homeless-friendly in L.A. as they are in Chattanooga, and any that would be are probably already occupied - I don't want to kick someone who really needs it out of their "home" when I could do something with just a little preparation (and fun as it would be to camp out under the stars in Palisades Park...) - I reserved a bed for a week at the Los Angeles Backpackers Paradise Hostel. This does include some sort of free food throughout the day as well. From that "home base," I guess I'll just have to hustle to find a real room before my time runs out. And a job - though I do have several potential prospects.
As far as long-term goals and hopes go - I was successful in enrolling in the UCLA Extension class "directing actors for the screen" which will start July 12. I've applied for an internship from the Institute for Humane Studies (thank you Dr. Haddad), which is exactly what I'm looking for in experience, and would include a housing and travel allowance and a stipend - along with other excellent career and educational opportunities. I'm praying I can get it, it seems it would be at least potentially perfect. In the slightly longer-term, I'm also applying for UCLA's graduate program - if I can get in, then I'll be working towards an MFA in Production/directing.
Since I believe that God is calling me here in order to pursue excellence in the craft of visual story-telling, I can think of nothing that would be a better preparation. I've heard "pursue excellence" so often that it's almost become a cliche - but what it intends to mean is what I'm longing (and afraid) to do. I want to be the best story-teller I can be. I know I have talent - but as one of my early mentors always used to say, "talented people are a dime a dozen." I don't have the motivation or the ability to hone my talent and my skill without mentors who are miles above me to push and pull and draw out what I can't yet give. So whether I get into UCLA or not, whether I find that internship or not - pray that God sends me mentors far above the normal. That He puts me under teachers and leaders who take a strong interest in shaping me into the person who can tell the stories with an unusual level of skill. Who push me so that when I look back, I can truly say that I used everything I had to get to where I was.
In Gwinnett County - I did well. I did things I never would have been able to do if I were just pushing myself. I'd never in my life run even one mile, much less three a day. And I could have done more if asked to. I strained desperately at doing five "guy" pushups during a drill just before leaving, and now can probably still do dozens. They pushed me beyond my own motivation - and I'm thankful they did. Even now, months after I've done a single push-up, I'm still in incredible shape. Coworkers still tell me I'm strong, and I still come up to tasks I never would have thought possible before becoming a firefighter able to do them easily.
But they never found my limits. I never found my limits. Sure, there were exercises I failed at, there were one or two times I gave out. But I always knew - I still wasn't anywhere near where I could be if I were pushed harder. And when I failed, I knew I could always go back and do it the next time. When I left, and my instructors told me never to doubt whether I could have succeeded - I believed them. But I also knew that in many ways, I was still just playing around - just doing it to see if I could. Like picking up a hula hoop and it didn't matter at all if I could make it go or not.
I don't want that here. Pray that God send me teachers who will really push me to my highest limits - to be truly the best I can be. In Gwinnett County, I gave them everything they asked for - but I knew I still had more in reserve. I gave what I had to, I gave enough to be competent, to be adequate. I didn't care enough to give everything. Not when I didn't have to. But in this - I want to give everything, I want to give the best I have in me, because I'm doing this for the Lord. Please pray He sends me teachers and pushes me Himself to actually give Him back everything He's given me - to hold nothing back. Even if I don't get into UCLA, pray I hold nothing back.
Thank you again all for your support, for your prayers, for your encouragement... I love you all so much, I can't believe how God is blessing me. May He bless you again as richly and more as you do whatever He puts before you.
in Him,
Tabitha
P.S. I'm sending this to a few of you who I don't normally have on my list. If this is the first email in a while and you'd like to be added, just shoot me an email and I'll put you on gladly. And feel free to forward this to anyone you think might like to hear what's up. And they can go to http://www.covblogs.com/tabitha for updates if they don't want to be on my list. Thanks again for all your friendship and support. I can't believe I'm leaving - but I'm so excited even while I will miss you.
If you don't hear anything from me in a couple weeks, email me. For some reason I'm looking through the addresses and it seems like some people I know I've added aren't showing up so it's possible my list isn't as complete as I want it to be. If you email me in a couple weeks I'll forward you whatever "I'm here" letter I've written, and I'll make sure you're back on the list if you've somehow fallen off.