April 30, 2004

Crabs grab Zoidberg

MOOORE! MOOOORE! said Zoidberg, his claws clicking intermittenly. MOOORE! MOOORE! You ate the last one said Frye, his eyes shifting nervously. MOOOORE! MOOORE! said Zoidberg, his rage growing rapidly.

Stream of Consciousness 100 Movies List to replace the AFI's list: Find out if you've seen the first one hundred movies that popped into my head on April, 30, 2004 between the hours of 1:48 pm (eastern standard time) and . Having been seen by me is not a characteristic of all these movies, but it is more likely that I will remember a movie's title if I have been subjected to it at least once.

People who like posting lists of movies in bold feel free to cut and paste [in fact I just cut and pasted this paragraph, and I will do it again before the evening is over!]. I like reading lists of movies with selections enboldened. I don't think that's how enboldened is supposed to be used, but I also like using words improperly. Do you think these movies are crap? Or do you think I am obviously a man of refined taste, with a subconsciousness to match? Place bets now!

1. Pod People
2. High Fidelity
3. Army of Darkness
4. Donnie Darko
5. Save the Last Dance
6. Angels of the Universe
7. The Godfather
8. Ben-Hur
9. Princess Mononoke
10. Ghost in the Shell
11. G.I. Joe: the Movie
12. Transformers: the Movie
13. Lost in Translation
14. Being John Malkovich
15. Harvey
16. How to Steal a Million
17. The life of Bryan
18. Godzilla v. Mothra
19. Galaxy Express 999
20. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
21. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
22. Haiku Tunnel
23. When Sunday Comes
24. Patriot Games
25. Gone with the Wind
26. The Ten Commandments
27. Spartacus
28. We were Soldiers
29. The Patriot
30. Braveheart
31. The Passion of the Christ
32. The Last Temptation of Christ
33. Taxi Driver
34. Manos, Hands of Fate
35. Batman Returns
36. Captain Correlli's Mandolin
37. Face-off
38. Superman II
39. X-Men 2
40. Tron
41. The Breakfast Club
41. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time
42. Miracle
43. Seabiscuit
44. Hunt for the Red October
45. Rocky
46. Bloodsport
47. Kickboxer
48. Kill Bill vol. 1
49. Return of the Dragon
50. Enter the Dragon
51. Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist
52. Once Upon a Time in China II
53. Fist of Legend
54. The Legend of the Drunken Master
55. The Sixteen Weapons of Kung-fu
56. The Land before Time
57. The Land before Time II
58. The Land before Time III
59. The Land before Time IV
60. The Land before Time V
61. The Land before Time VI
62. The Land before Time VII
63. Aladdin
64. Fantasia
65. Bend it Like Beckham
66. Citizen Kane
67. The Bridge over the River Kwai
68. Lawrence of Arabia
69. The Land before Time VIII
70. Bambi
71. Shaolin Soccer
72. Battlestar Galactica
73. Robocop
74. Bladerunner
75. Solaris
76. Love Actually
77. You've got Mail
78. Mad Max
79. The Godfather Part II
80. Jesus' Son
81. About Schmidt
82. Anger Management
83. Fargo
84. Raising Arizona
85. Demolition Man
86. Malibu's Most Wanted
87. Rock 'n' Roll High School
88. Waking Life
89. Wild Strawberries
90. Deconstructing Harry
91. Stardust Memories
92. Manhattan
93. Bananas
94. Sleeper
95. What's up Tigerlily
96. 28 Days Later
97. The Horse Whisperer
98. Bridges of Madison County
99. Mean Girls
100. About a Boy

April 28, 2004

April 23, 2004

Joie de vivre

In response to a request on the way between: "Thank you" and "certainly." I present you with three acrostics (plus a bonus acrostic), in descending quality and ascending silliness. Please: select your favorite and indicate your selection.

Russian dancers
bowing gracefully

Hampered by their dreams, they stumble
obviously curious whether
slowly; from their dance.

Retired gondoliers march in
orderly fashion,
beside the rose parade.

Heathens, they are
offended by the presence of a
lanky rosary, the image of a famous statue of the
mother Mary, and the
engraven words on the picture frame:
Sit quietly.

Run! Run!
Bombastic giraffe!

How you
operate those
long legs baffles my poor
mind; yet,
so, I admire your healthy stride, protuding, furry stalks and galloping tongue, coiled as it is round leaf and limb.

And one for my fiancee:
Jello pudding was
creamy (usually not crunchy), so she
ate it.

April 22, 2004

If the water should cut my line, set me free, I don't mind

I used to think I was vastly overqualified for my job, but the guy across the cubicle wall from me has forced me to reconsider. Well, I still think I'm vastly overqualified, but my vast is only half as vast is his vast. Whereas I really should be in an entirely different field and really am out of my depth trying to explain the importance of Oracle products to technical directors and chief information officers who have spent their entire lives working with corporate software, this guy is the complete package: a middle aged, loud, obnoxious, know-it-all computer geek with graying hair and redneck facial hair straight off of WWE Raw Saturday Nite. Medium pot belly, cheap (Wal-Mart?) gold chain, shirt (Hawaiian or polo) unbuttoned (too much to be pleasant, but not enought to be obscene). Arrives at work every day in a red, mid-nineties American pickup truck with an American-flag-in-faux-spray-paint license plate plastered across the front to emphasize that his truck was built in Detriot (son), not one of those foreign places like Jap-an or Ko-rea. Also has a tendency to sit in the truck reading the newspaper during lunch breaks.

He just finished what seemed like a forty minute conversation with a contact (I think it was about forty minutes, because I was on and off the phone several times during his conversation, and listened to him talking several different times, fascinated). So anyways, this guy's supposed to be calling on behalf of HP, but he ends up diagnosing the other guy's problem with Windows ME (which is not an HP product) and explaining to him the benefits of everything from firewalls and anti-virus programs ("I seen alotta viruses out thar, and I wouldn't want a one of 'em") to why he should ditch ME and switch to XP ("Oh yeah, I ruhmember when that Win-dows ME came out, they thought it was a hot pah-tay-toe..."). Whatever. Across-the-cubicle-wall-guy (I can hear him perfectly, but I can't see his face; that only adds to the humor) is way too enthusiastic. He still doesn't get it. I don't think this guy can handle being a telemarketer; he does understand that he's not here to help people, he's here to generate billable hours so that Telenet Marketing Solutions can make a buck or two. I won't prick his bubble, though. I think its a good thing, that he still has his (own version of) sanity, and maybe he doesn't despise his job. Maybe he even enjoys it. But he's vastly overqualified.

April 21, 2004

There's an altar in the valley to things in themselves as they are

I watched Kill Bill vol. 1 with my old roommates again this past weekend, and was reaffirmed in my decision not to waste any money on the second installment. I also read the Salon review that Ryan linked to, which thankfully avoided the mindless love for Tarantino that a lot of reviewers seem lost in. It properly criticizes Kill Bill and Tarantino for (a) sadism and (b) being a parody, rather than a homage.

(a) Here’s how I define sadism; not as senseless violence (Laurel and Hardy are guilty of that in at least one sense, after all), but as dwelling on the pain inflicted by violence, senseless or otherwise. Otherwise, in this case, appears to be violence inflicted in pursuit of revenge (or, at least, so I think, not having seen the second part), but it hardly matters. Its really sadism, because the emphasis is not on the swiftness of movement, the grace of martial art or the explosive power of a trained master (these are the things that make wire-fu such a joy to watch) as in your average Hong Kong film (which, by the way, I have watched at least a good dozen of and enjoyed thoroughly), but rather on the damage done to the recepient of the violence, the blood spilt, and (rather disgustingly to me) the pain and trauma of the vanquished foe. This is parody (b), not homage. I find it repulsive, frankly, when Tarantino delights in shots of limbless foes or in letting us hear their screams. And a couple of months of martial arts boot camp don’t make [ ] a martial artist worth watching. Life is far too short to waste my time watching another two hours of this bloody mess.

Oh, and Tarantino is a pretentious jerk, like Ryan said.

If you disagree, why? (You can only disagree with a and b. I would prefer to hear disagreement on (a), because I have already heard the converse of (b) proposed, and I still disagree, so I’m more open to changing my mind on (a). If you can convince me why I should watch Kill Bill vol. 2 and I go and actually enjoy it, I’ll buy you (whoever you are) an ice cream treat. Absolutely no disagreement with the statement that Tarantino is a pretentious jerk will be tolerated, as it is obviously true, virtually a tautology. Any comments stating otherwise will be promptly edited to state that Tarantino is a pretentious jerk.)

April 15, 2004

Please bury me with it

Go south on South Range Road for approximately 2 miles, then fall off the edge of the world; pick up the boat, and put it on your back like a turtle shell. Walk three miles, hunched like Atlas. Just before you begin to despair of your burden, you will reach the frozen slopes of the 9th circle of hell. Using the boat as a sled, slid past the moaning souls ensheathed in ice and plow into the devil's side. Jump out quickly before he crushes the boat and follow the spiral staircase down. Huntsman Corp is on the left. You can't miss it!

April 10, 2004

Smoke break after the rapture

If I explained it to you with short words, would it help you understand, or would you need to hear the big ones?

1. don't interrupt me when i am at the machine!
This is the all time number one all star exploding dog. Explains it in words that can be easily understood, exclamation point adds emphasis and signifies twisting the dial. The world will end.

2. i have love for you
Even electronics can communicate sometimes. Scratch your nose gently if you have love too.

3. i'm listening to sad songs
Nothing is as sad as a bird with a stiff neck, unless its a kid about to fall off the dike. Deep red brings out the melancholy, sameness between shirt and background is especially effecting. Cross your arms if you think flagpole is stupid (see this week's issue, though you can't if you don't live in athens) -- indulging in the dispute is silliness -- just listen.

4. lazy people will starve
This is brilliant, you could demolish a dozen preposterous arguments about laziness like a bulldozer with this industrial grade cartoon.

5. i really need to learn how to draw, i am the worst ever
You don't like it?

6. i hate technology
Robots are jealous, because people can dance. That's why they outlawed dancing in the city, because the robots were jealous of the people. They're not bad characters, its just that they get sad when they see people dancing, and all they can do is bump around robotically.

7. i thought you loved me more than any thing, and i thought you would come back to me

8. shut up! i am working on the future
If you were working on the future, would you want to be interrupted?

9. if you believe in something long enough, you will ruin it
Advice for the modern folks, warnings for those other-over-mentioned folks.

10. nuclear power is so last century
If it hasn't got five points, it might as well have no points. Don't let the little guys laugh at you.

Apologies to the folks who don't understand...

April 7, 2004

Good news will work its way to all them plans

First off, for some reason, the powers that be have decided to sell the new Modest Mouse album for an entirely reasonable eight dollars. Sixteen tracks of good late nineties indie for fifty cents a track… you can only beat that on Soulseek (or at a used record store). It might not be Building Nothing out of Something, but its not bad, either.

Yesterday I telemarketed a man named Vladmir, an attaché at the Russian embassy in Washington, DC. Suprisingly, he didn’t pick up the white courtesy phone. Neither did Mr. Buda Munk, who is a consultant for Monastery.

Every week, I sit down on Thursday evening and pick through the Oconee Enterprise classifieds in the hope that a local company has a serious need for philosophers, but (so far) I’ve been cruelly disappointed. I’m a little hopeful that I can get a job with this one company, Merial (whose website seems to be down, check it out at merial.com and let me know if its gone back up, would you?). I rather expect that this prospect will go the way of my beautiful opportunity at the State Botanical Gardens – taken by someone with qualifications and experience. Where are the jobs for people without experience? Without qualifications? (In Chattanooga, I think)

Jess and I have decided on an apartment, we think. Although its not as beautiful (or well-lit, which matters to me quite a bit – I think there’s a positive correlation between the amount of sunlight in a residence and the mood of the residents) as the duplex in the country that we looked at, it is in downtown Athens, in an unbeatable location, without leaky walls or ceilings or pipes or stoves. It even has a door in the kitchen for a grand total of two (2!) doors to the outside world… this door could, conceivably, be opened to let in the outside world! However, when I walk into the landlord’s office, I can smell the sulfur burning… Seriously, what kind of monster purchases one of those Plymouth “classic” (classless) PT Cruisers and then proceeds to plaster it with NASCAR stickers? I can’t even fathom living with that sort of mental imbalance. How would you go to the grocery store? What if one of the bagboys saw you? Wouldn’t people point and stare, hide their kids? Well, people probably would hide their kids anyways, if they found out you were a landlord.

I’m working on a piece about Woody Allen for Pulse. Its more specific than that, but I DON’T CARE TO SHARE! Ha.

I intend to start a revolt against internet etiquette. I’m starting WITH this ENTRY. Join now before the revolution turns on itself.