Let's see it's 5 pm...4 pm in Louisiana. I think graduation was in the morning, but I can't remember.

Anyway, it's bound to be done by now. So, hey, I graduated.

The nature center was great.

My sister is here. She is entertaining the No I Would Not Nap-er while I work on a couple of pressing craft projects and clean up this room to prepare ye the way for the couch that we're inheriting from moving friends.

So I really got into using our airbrush this afternoon. This is C's baby. He's been DYING for an airbrush and came by one last winter (his hobby is building models). I'm a little frustrated with it overall, but intrigued enough by the results to keep pressing. Maybe different paints....??? Has anyone had any experience with an airbrush?

Posted by at 5:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm graduating.
It's happening in Louisiana. I will be having a home visit from our Deaf mentor then a trip to the nature center with a bunch of moms/kids from church then cleaning of the "storage room", which, ironically, includes cleaning up my thesis once and for stinkin' all. I just had to get over the point when mild panic would ensue when my eyes would light on a potentially important piece of paper, because I left Organized on the other side of Chaos Sea and subsequently was ravaged by the Paper Mongol Hordes. It's tough to be me, I tell ya.

I'm graduating.
I don't really want to talk about it. I'm still getting to the point where I answer cheerfully "thank you!" when a friends bid me felicitations and congratulations and where I resist the urge, mostly, to roll my eyes at myself.

Tonight, Ellis begged to be put to bed he was so tired. He then proceeded to snuggle, smother me with kisses, and sign "i love you" for the next hour as he slowly drifted to the Land of Nod.

It's a wonderful life.

Posted by at 11:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I thought my post-Thesis life was perking up a bit, but apparently not. A persistent sore throat has got me in its grasp. This morning when I woke up, it had kicked up a notch, so I stayed home from church, which will totally throw my week off. I'll probably call the doctor in the morning.

I hate to be either absent or a downer on my blog. But in the end, it's where I record my life. And I will want to know what happened. I was going to start Mommy Boot Camp this week, which included starting a diet and exercise schedule. But I haven't planned my two week's menus yet, and I'm not going to try this until I've planned well, because it'll be constant frustration if I don't. And I just feel sick. So it's not going to start Monday.

This past week, though, I did sew a bit more, and that made me glad. I like to have a project, work toward a goal thing going. I'm making summer placemats for us and finishing a baby gift for a friend. My camera is still a bit wonk, so I think when we get our tax return I'll get a new memory card, since I think that's the problem (it keeps saying 'memory card error', ya think?). I feel like my blog is gasping for pictures. *must illustrate life*

I've also been realizing that it's not as easy as you might think to just close the books and walk away for an undefined period of time. No, I don't want deadlines and annoying projects. But I'm a scholar, which means a life-long learner, and I've invested a lot of my life in acquiring particular skills, and I don't want to lose them. So, somehow I want to work in keeping up some these skills. Latin, French, and medieval/Ren music notation are foremost in my mind. But I can do these things without being a slave to them. And maybe in a few years, I can get an article out of something. *shrug* I know I'm not really being clear, and I know that if I continue to write, I'll become even less clear and more rambly, because I don't really want to come out and write what I'm REALLY thinking, because now my blog is read by so many people I know, and I would just feel weird about continuing to ramble and having people I love not "get it" because I don't really "get it" thus my rambling would be useless. So don't try to psychoanalyze me. Maybe when I come in a few years, this little ramble of its own will spark me back to my thoughts, and I can remember them in retrospect.

Posted by at 6:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So now that the Thesis is officially over, everyone keeps asking me if I feel like a load has been lifted.

Well, to be honest, no.
My back hurts all the way up through my neck and my aching eyes send pain to meet where the back left off somewhere on my head. That's sort of a metaphor for how I'm feeling. (I do have pretty much a constant headache, but I think I need new glasses.)
I don't really know why the burden is still there. Well, I do have some ideas.
This whole time I'm bummed because it's just a master's. Five years ago when I started grad school, the end goal was a PhD. A year ago, I demoted myself after three years of coursework, before comps, because my practical life's considerations couldn't write a dissertation in their present state. So wouldn't it be some sick twist of academia for me to still feel like a failure even after I achieved something? I know it probably sounds dumb. But that's my head right now.

Posted by at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It has been a whirlwind week.

Monday, Ellis and I rode Amtrak to Lancaster to my parents and sundry visiting relatives.
Tuesday, my mom drove Ellis and I back to Philly by way of old Amish lady who does reflexology or whatever. It helped Ellis's cough.
Wednesday, I finished my thesis. Yea, that's right.
I FINISHED MY THESIS!!!!!
I called a friend in Louisiana who more than kindly printed it out and took it to the graduate school. (Like this was a REALLY NICE thing this friend did, and I've got to find some nice gift to send him.)
Then I packed like crazy and Ellis and I got in the car with my MIL headed for Roanoke, VA to visit the grandmothers.
While I was in the car, the cranky editor called me with the few formatting changes.
Then we got hit by a tractor trailer on the turnpike. It was seriously a huge mercy, because the only thing he touched was the sideview mirror. It could have been so much worse. THat set us back a couple of hours, because it took a long time to process, because the guy was, uh, had illegal status in these parts.
Then I drove through the stormy, dark mountains to get to Roanoke to visit the great-grandmothers.
So I'm sick. Ellis is sick and clingy and cranky. But we do get a few precious moments in with the great-grandmothers.
I relay all the formatting changes to Chris, who fixes my document, changes it to PDF, and uploads it.
That's it.
He told me they sent a confirmation email. But I haven't been able to relax until I got home.

It's really and truly here.
I'm done. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for my stinkin' diploma to arrive in the mail.

Posted by at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Anyway, after being grueled for my terrible comma usage and Latin translations, my committee passed my thesis.
I have revisions, but I expected that. I met with someone from the Grad School this morning to make sure it's all formatted properly.

It's been partly rainy today, but sunny enough to take Ellis for a nice walk. 75 degrees in Louisiana is such a different story than its Pennsylvania counterpart. For one, it's more humid, which feels great now (but not in August).

This evening we went out with my advisor and a couple other friends. I ate a shrimp poboy with one hand and corralled E with my other.

I'm really tired.

Posted by at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I just sent a copy of my thesis to committee. My defense is in two weeks. It took for-stinkin'-ever to format.

I'm going to hang out with my friends now, and try to stay awake since I'm the care provider for my toddler while his father is at work providing for his dependent family.

Posted by at 3:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Why is it that whenever you have to print something really important, like a draft, your printer breaks? or runs out of ink? or jams at every page?

Or, let's say it's almost 10 pm and you need to give your committee a copy of your thesis tomorrow when you realize that you need to use the scanner. Let's say there are two operational scanners in your household, one for you and one for your husband. Your scanner currently has cords missing from it, because husband just got his and stole them. Furthermore, you can't use his, because he runs Linux and thus scans by means of a command line, which you have no idea how to do. So what do you do?
a) Steal the cords back (which means finding the right ones in the huge mass of his home computer network)
b) wait until morning and get him to scan (oh wait, you're going to be gone all morning, and he's going to be gone all afternoon)
c) write blog posts lamenting your dependence on technology to make papers that have really cool layout, because, of course, said technology will always be dependable when all you have to do is write stupid blog posts, but not when you have to do something resembling importance.

Sigh. I think I'll try to choose A.

In other news, I've been having way too much fun on the Chicago Manual of Style website. Non-subscription options include a Citation Quick Guide (which, to tell you the truth, is more extensive than my undergrad copy of Kate. It even tells you how to cite blogs.), Chicago Style Q&A (which is almost as entertaining as informative, and updated every month), and a variety of tools such as sample forms and letters targeted towards preparing and submitting your work for publication.

And you can sign up for a free 30 day trial of the actual Chicago Manual of Style, 15th ed. online. It was super easy to sign up. I love being to browse and search volumes like this electronically. (Like I was doing earlier today with the Oxford Companion to the Year, which is SUCH an invaluable resource.) For fun, I looked up the section on American Sign Language. It was so great!!! It taught me more about ASL grammar than a lot of other places I've looked. A wonderful place to start for ASL.

Anyway, so I'm down to formatting and layout. I have lots of diagrams, tables, and images. Not fun.

My fingers just automatically hit Apple-S, the short cut for "File: Save". That's what they do every time I pause in writing. But it only works in Word.

Posted by at 9:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Okay, I have about -5 desire and motivation to be working on my thesis. I have to work and revise and get it to my committee by Wednesday. Revisions are manageable, but my head is so completely tired and foggy.

Not so good night last night with E. Any time he wakes up after 4 am, its rough going getting him back to sleep. On the other hand, I really do think he is growing out of a lot of his sleep problems. For instance, he's been taking 2 hour naps lately. TWO HOURS!! Not 45 min. Not an hour. But TWO. He also asks to lie down in his bed rather than being held. Also progress. But that doesn't remedy the fact that I have sludge brain. I know, you really wanted to know.

Further evidence of sludge brain is that I have my iTunes set to shuffle around my hwole music library, which leads to a weird jerkiness, and normally I don't let it do that, because it's just crazy to be jumping from Monteverdi to Bjork to Palestrina to the Chieftans to Bach to Norah Jones to Rachmaninoff to Sufjan Stevens. You get the picture.

I think I'm going to go get a free coffee.

Posted by at 7:39 PM | Permalink

It looks like we'll be able to be in New Orleans for the St. Patty's Day Parade. Woohoo! Not as fun as Mardi Gras, but still lots of beads.

My advisor gave me some revisions to do with my most recent draft, which will be able to be done to turn it in to my committee next and proceed as scheduled for a March 14 defense. I'm really glad to have the end of this thing in sight.

And the prospect of leaving this slushy, dreary north to go down to lovely, sunny, warm March with strawberries in New Orleans (and Baton Rouge) is all the motivation I need.

Posted by at 2:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

So many posts to be written. So much of my thesis to be written. So many phone calls to make. Dishes to wash. And now it's the next day from when I started this post, so let's try to finish, okay?

Anyway, I'll try to touch on one of the many blog posts that I want to write right now. Even though it's not waiting its turn behind other blog posts in my brain. I read New Kid's post this afternoon about what it feels like to be on the hiring end of the market, to see all those shiny candidates and feel a bit lack-lustre yourself. And I think one of the things she said gave me a point at which draw some of my academic angst lately. ('Cause I wouldn't be a real grad student without academic angst.) The feeling of my work is so irrelevant! Not in the sense of, I'm studying old stuff, not caring for orphans in Romania; my work is so irrelevant, more like She's writing a cool thesis on the Velvet Underground; mine is on a manuscript few people would care about; my work is so irrelevant. (Not to knock your thesis, Funke; I've given up trying to be as cool as you. *grin*)

It all comes from this conversation I had last October. If you've been following my grad school saga, you'll know that I decided to end my program with a terminal master's and reapply for a newer PhD program in my new city (aka Local Fabulous University) for many good reasons and I have my dept's blessing, so all's good. Well, I got accepted at Local Fab U last spring, but wait-listed for funding (it's a very competitive program, so I was flattered to even get that far). They invited me to visit, were very encouraging, tried through late-April (!) to get me a package, but to no avail. So I was all set to reapply, because this is the place I REALLY, really want to go to. In Oct, I went to talk to the Director of Grad Studies about how to make this application a successful one. He told me that the reason I didn't get an offer straight up last spring was that my interests weren't broad enough. Yea, I was strong and definitive in my area, but I needed to show that I had diverse research interests.

[begin rant]
okay. I'll let myself go off on this tangent.
So medieval studies, which you know encompasses a good 700 years (we don't really start until 800 or 900 CE) is not diverse enough for it to be considered broad to have an interest in 11th century theology and 14th century vernacular? I'll admit I was a little annoyed. Because when you're selling yourself in 1000 words to a major research university, don't you want to show that you have a pretty focused idea about what you want to do? I did mention secondary interests, but I didn't dwell on them. I thought I had a pretty kickass personal statement. And I was further annoyed because my competition was these fresh undergrads from elite schools who have vague ideas about what they want to do. So is that the reason for the need to be diverse? to talk about a variety of things you're interested, because you don't have enough focus to be specific about the one? [not to knock to the poor, fresh undergrads--but I was pretty focused back then, too; that's why I was applying to grad school--furthermore, my focus hasn't changed a whole lot; though my dream dissertation has now been taken over by two Important Scholars that have monopolized the use of the archives to others. Grrr.] Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe my assumptions were all wrong to begin with. I just found it odd that I was waitlisted because I had too much focus.
[end rant]

But that begin a whole wave of self-doubt. Am I not interesting enough? Cool enough? What are my broad interests? I have some interests that would be considered broad, but I don't want to invest the time it would take in order to do them well, at least right now anyway. That's why I'm not focusing on them. (One such interest is the legacy of Hegel in 19th c music...especially Wagner; I think if you look at Gesamtkunstwerk through the eyes of Hegel it recasts our Grout and Palisca [famous music history textbook] assumptions. But then I would have to get solid in German and understand Hegel. Aiyiyi. I know enough to get me in trouble, but not enough to get me out.) It's all so exhausting. I'm interested in international hip-hop and R &B, because I find it fascinating how other cultures fuse what are essentially American genres into their own culture's music language to come up with something very interesting and often politically laden (as those genres traditionally are). But I know so very little about pop music in general that I would have to learn the history of entire genres in order to form a coherent statement of interest. It's all so exhausting!

But those kinds of projects seem more "relevant." The same fifteen people aren't necessarily going to read them. But I like medieval studies! Not that I don't like the others, but it's Car Musicology to me...theorizing about the music as I listen to it in the car (which is where a lot of my serious listening happens; sitting still with awesome CD player; toddler safely confined and entertained by the other cars).

Ugh. This post isn't really going anywhere, and now it's starting to annoy me. But it's really indicative of where I am right now. Unsure. Well, sure of where I ultimately want to end up in terms of a dissertation project, which seems to unattainably in the future.

Rather loose strings of thought flapping in the wind. Am I cool enough to grab onto a couple of those strings?

I didn't reapply for the fall. I want to use my thesis as a writing sample, and there are a couple of item that could improve my overall application that I was not able to address this fall (including a finished thesis). The deadline was mid-December, and I let it slip by me. It's taken me a while to talk about it. For some reason, I felt really weird about watching that date go by.

Not to mention some family issues that aren't necessarily related to the fact that I have a child and want at least one more, my reapplication to the grad school of my dreams leaves me in a quandry. And I shouldn't be fussing over it all anyway, until I finish my stinkin' thesis!

File this post under Brain Barf. (since barf was on our minds of late)

UPDATE: You know, I don't want this post to be about complaining about the results of my application last year. Yea, I'm confused about some aspects, but I know so much more goes into application evaluations beyond individual people. For instance, they may have a particular class forming and they see a certain dynamic/representation of interests or whatever. I don't really know. This post is about greater angst articulated in this particular instance through the conversation I had in October.

I also find it very interesting that a lively discussion is being held on my discipline's listserv about diversity of topics (and taking the road less traveled) in relation to diss topics and future employability.

Posted by at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Posted by at 8:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So I think I sort of finished another draft today. At least I sent it to a couple of friends to read, before sending it to the guillotine (aka Advisor).
So in a sense, I'm free tonight. Free to do all the things I've been longing dreadfully to do in the evenings. The Christmas crafts, the TV shows, the shameless blog lounging.
What do think I'm in the mood to do? Just guess.
No it's not baking. (Because you see, I have to be doing that: 3 promised pies and a cheesecake.)
Still don't know?
I feel like writing! I feel like sitting down with this draft and digging into it more. I feel like sifting through a few books to see if they can help me make a point better. But, you see, now I have to be baking. So I guess I can't.

Besides it's too cold in Office/Storage Room.

Posted by at 9:12 PM | Permalink

Click for larger

While the middle picture isn't necessarily my problem. (In fact, pretty much the opposite of my problem, which actually is a good thing---that is, no one has written about this before; but a problem in my case b/c NO ONE has written on this before.)

The outer two pictures pretty much sum up a Day in the Life of my Office/Storage Room.

Posted by at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

click for larger

Posted by at 8:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Writing, writing, writing.

I could get a great quote, a little oomph to my point, if only I could make sense out this preface in Italian. Not just any ol' Italian, though, 16th century Italian, with lots of words that require special dictionaries that include 16th c words. And not just any ol' passage, but a preface, which means wading through flowery My Patron is Great-ness, to find just the right morsel of quotability.

Grrr. I just can't quite do it. I would have to stop, set aside a chunk of time, find that special dictionary, and have at it. And I still might not be able to come up with something I could actually quote, just summarize. And I'm not going to do that right now, because I don't need the quote and i don't have the time. It would just be nice.

But I hate it when I can't do it!!! Grrrr. Usually, I can process stuff like this well enough to at least get the point, if not an outright translated quote. But this passage is just eluding me!!

Posted by at 7:52 PM | Permalink

Funke inspired me to do what I've been meaning to do for awhile: dig out my Bjork and import her into iTunes. With new music in hand, all of a sudden I'm coming out the writer's block that has been plaguing me for weeks. Fresh sounds to divide and to mark the time I sit here writing.

Somehow Badly Drawn Boy, Nickel Creek, Palestrina, and In-Grid don't cut it anymore. They were the soundtrack for my last draft, and listening to them keeps me stuck in the mire of How I Was Wrong and Didn't Even Know It.

Now that I think about it, almost every Significant Paper that I've written has its own soundtrack, and I can't listen to that music without thinking about that paper.

I've written a few pages so far this evening, and I think I see how the rest is going to come out.

'Course, it could also be that my mom is praying for me.

Posted by at 8:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Last night I dreamt about Ablative Absolute. I was having terrible angst about what tense to translate it into. My Latin Teacher Who Died was there giving all sorts of reassurance, calmness, and clarity into the mysteries of ablative absolute.

I'm not even doing a translation project!

Posted by at 2:29 PM | Permalink

Hello, writer's block, my old friend. Come to talk to you again.

The time I have to myself to write is precious. Tuesday's my mom comes for a bit. So I'm supposed to be sitting here making tremendous progress, and so far I've managed to paste a few things around, re-read some old paragraphs I wrote, and try to figure what I'm supposed to do. Chris asked, "So what are going to do today?" And I said, "start writing and see where it takes me." But, realistically I don't really write like that, because I lack the fluidity. I'm just not the type that Starts Writing. But at the same time, I'm not sure what the final organization is going to look like, how the clumps are going to come together. Hmm. Maybe I'll just work on clumps and worry about introduction later. It's a hard to introduce fuzzy fog. See, writing this blog post is already helping, because, first of all, I'm writing, which I am not when staring at the blinking cursor in a word document, wondering if I can actually make an shuffle in my iTunes. (So far it's not been that great. I just have too small and too diverse of a library. I just need to make "Study Mix"...anybody got some great ideas for good study music. I used to be the study music, then I stopped, now I'm on again. It lets me know time is passing and drowns out the oppressive silence.)

Feels good to be typing, let's carry some of the momentum back on over to the word doc.

Posted by at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

But I'm not.

My thesis has been depressing lately. Being long-distance doesn't really have any perks. Period. Except that you get to be where your family is. Which I suppose is the ultimate perk, but in terms of daily academic existence,...umm...long-distance totally sucks. But I just talked on the phone with my advisor for almost an hour. That helped me feel less depressed. Less like a total failure, like why don't I just flush my head in the toilet? And Advisor said appropriately encouraging things like "fascinating topic" "excellent work" it's just the "...but..."'s and the "when you finish this, then we can start talking about how to incorporate it with that"'s that are making the thesis drag on for a little longer than I had hoped. I should finish this semester, though. I just might not officially graduate this semester. Which means that I would graduate a full FIVE years after I started Grad School...with a master's. Don't Ask. Long Story. Peruse the archives if you want to know. Just know that my dept and I are on good terms.

Not to mention that I really need to start thinking about Grad School Application, again, to the Local Fab Univ that I REEALLY, Really Want to Go to and Accepted me Last Year But then Couldn't Fund Me But Encouraged Me to Apply Again this Year with the Hopeful Statement of I would Have A Really, Really Good Chance. Got that? I really want to go there. I'm trying not to make it Utopia in my head. But every time I'm near that department it's just So Right!

So it wasn't a very productive day in terms of Thesisizing. But we got some cleaning done. Ellis is cutting another molar, poor thing. So I spent a lot of time just carrying him around on my hip, as that was the preferred mode of being alive for him. We went out for coffee, and Ellis wow'd the other patrons with his signing brilliance. Clever boy. I made a pumpkin pie and toasted the pumpkin seeds.

The day closes with a chuckle. The blogs have amused me tonight. Too many funny ones.

Posted by at 10:10 PM | Permalink

I'm dreamed about my thesis last night. I dreamed that I was going over the manuscript I'm writing about with my advisor, and we found a small detail that would dramatically alter the history of early modern France. If only it were so clear....

My thesis isn't even about France.

Posted by at 7:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In a brilliant show of quick turnaround, in support of my babysitting schedule (i.e., when I have sitters), my advisor sent a few comments back today.

When you wait for something you know comments are going to hurt, you know it'll be shredded. But you hope content is overall there. I knew it needed a fair amount of revising, but I didn't think it needed quite as much. Apparently, I'm too heavy on exegesis and not enough on hermeneutic.

This depresses me. [Extreme grumpiness and apocalyptic thinking deleted]

And I'm feeling very lonely and isolated. I have no scholarly community here. Home Institution is 1200 miles away. *ugh, I hate this*

So my afternoon will entail printing this thing out, reading with a fine-tooth comb, and calling friends who may be able to help.

Ugh. Can somebody please find me a Liber Usualis. I think I'm going to cry.

Posted by at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

A draft is sent. Some edges a bit roughter than I would've liked when I woke up this morning, but not bad. The key is that now I can go to bed. Please, Ellis, don't wake up at 3 am.

Posted by at 1:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

So this is how today started.
Thesis Status: Almost done with fussy section. Then rewrite intro and conclusion. Get examples straight (there's a lot). Get biblio straight (mostly done).

My dear friends agreed to help me with Ellis; they live in two apts in the same building. They're the ones with little boys born within weeks of Ellis, so he had lots of playmates along with their other kids. I knew this day would be way fun for him. My friend Christina picked us up, brought us to their house, and gave me a clear desk to work on in the basement. Ellis dug right into Josh's toys. So I'm working away. The Fussy Section is actually getting finished. At one point, somebody calls down, "Can Ellis have a soynut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch?" Sure, he'll eat anything. Then a little later, Christina, who has already picked me up and fed my child, brings down a plate of a wonderful chicken curry salad sandwich. I went up to put Ellis down for a nap, which didn't happen; because he was just too excited and environment too strange to sleep in, but he played nicely despite it. Then I went down and finished the Fussy Section. Phew!

Then I opened up a new document to paste together all the sections into one large document. I opened the first section, which is the bulk of the paper, and as I was looking at it, it looked like it had last Monday, before I had worked on it for days. Wait a minute! Where were all my revisions!?!??! I used the spotlight on my computer (a nice feature on Macs, which is sort of like Googling your hard drive). Nothing was coming up. Getting more and more frantic I kept looking. Nothing.

At this point, I'm sobbing hysterically. I couldn't find my revisions. DAYS of revisions. I'm exhausted and I need to send this to my advisor before I got to bed tonight. I walked up to their apartment where all the kids are watching Toy Story 2, and I'm standing in the kitchen just sobbing, and I can't breathe. Erin said, "Ok. TEA!" So Christina put the kettle on. I calmed down. We drank hot chocolate (ok, so we changed our minds). They tried to think of solutions and were all around wonderful and sympathetic. (Thanks, guys!)

I went back down to my computer and looked again, but then I remembered that some time during the middle of the week, I saved it to my flash disk. And I thought I had changed back to my home directory, but maybe I hadn't, maybe all this time I was saving to my flash disk. And I'm a compulsive saver; so I knew it couldn't have been just a matter of forgetting to save...not days worth of stuff. My flash disk was at my house. So Christina kindly drove us back home and yes, all my revisions were on the flash disk. Crisis averted!

I'm still a little shaken by the experience. Ellis fell asleep before 7 pm, plumb exhausted from all the fun. I ordered pizza from a place I can practically see from my house it's so close. I felt apologetic to the driver and explained I had a sleeping baby. he was like "dude, it's okay, really." Chris is working late. And I'm going to finish this draft of my thesis TONIGHT.

Posted by at 8:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

(Click to enlarge)

Posted by at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Thanks to Linnea for acquainting me with PhDcomics.com. So hilarious!!!

Posted by at 10:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dial "M" has a link to me.
Ack. Now I have to be smart.
And I better quit calling my thesis stupid.

Just kidding. (Hey, I'd love all my posts to be brilliant, but they aren't.)
Actually they have a great post about blogs and discursive responsibility.

Hey, check out the new student site for my discipline's national meeting. I've helped with it the past few years, and it's always fun to see the final product. Wish I could go! Somehow Los Angeles is so unattainable. It's a bummer, too, because I've been to the past 5 meetings and always enjoy them so much. A real pick-me-up. It's because I'm social and the rest of my year is spent alone at a desk surrounded by the Paper Mongol Hordes.

Anyway, I worked on my thesis today. My mom can come on Tuesdays to watch Ellis. It ended up being kind of a weird day, but I did get some good work done. I'm pulling together a Where I Stand Draft. I think it'll be easier to fill in gaps/answer questions if I have a solid structure already in place.

I visited my manuscript last week. (Which you already know if you watched the movie) There is NOTHING like visiting the ms in person. I know this thing like the back of my hand, but I am never prepared for the sensation of seeing it in person. I hope that someday I get paid to visit manuscripts in person.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that sometimes when you research, you find, and that's great. But sometimes you don't find, and that's hard, because when do you stop looking? Well, now. I'm done looking. I feel like I've searched enough to have made a responsible account for my situation. I've talked with librarians who agree. And my advisor always has an encouraging "focus on what you can know." But it's really unnerving not to find!

anyway...future blog plans include a review of a recent Medeski album... (ack, now I'm committed!)

Posted by at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, we moved my desk, bookshelves, and the filing cabinet, which I've taken over to deal with the Paper Mongol Hordes into the storage room, which is actually sort of like another old bedroom during this house's days as a tavern, but it's separate from the space that is sectioned off as our apartment. So there are two bright windows, and I'm set apart from the rest of our little life. And we have more space in the living room and we don't have to stare at my desk clutter in the living room. Because face it, Chris doesn't think piles everywhere is an adequate organization system to present to our visiting public. Hmph.

It's the closest thing I have ever had to an office in the home arena. It feels good. Unfortunately it does not make me feel smarter or figure out more how to have a clue with what I'm doing on my thesis. But hey, I tried.

Well, I better get back to not having a clue what I'm doing.

Posted by at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I was proofreading through what I have of my manuscript content list, and I came upon "sin tuna." Knowing this isn't Latin, I realized I had accidently typed what should've been "sint una." I'm not sure if tuna will ever look the same to me again; maybe it needs some sin to go with it.

Posted by at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Sometimes the best thing to do is just print out what you have so far, take it to a coffee shop without your wirelessly capable laptop, and continue by hand.

You know you're distracted, procrastinating, trying desperately not to look at the Word document at hand, when you're Googleing around for pictures of Tom Cruise's baby, and you don't even care that he had one and don't really know who his wife/fiancee? is because you're so pop culturally illiterate, that's how little you care!

Posted by at 4:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

After reading around, I've discovered what I knew had to be the case but didn't have time find out beforehand: there was a blogger meet-up and I missed it. Oh well.

I left super, duper early on Wednesday morning. I had spent the night with my parents in Lancaster, because I got a way cheaper ticket from Harrisburg than from Philly. Our flight left at 6 am, and at 4.30 am I was turning my parent's house upside-down in a panic. I couldn't find my glasses! I wear my glasses all the time. I need them. Last thing off at night, first thing on in the morning. How could I lose them!?!?!??!!? My dad and I searched and searched but could not find them. Well, finally, I just had to give up and go. They promised to FedEx them if they found them.

So I spent the next several hours in a visual fog. We got to Detroit in time for breakfast. Ellis likes blueberry bagels, so I got one for him and everything bagel for me, and we sat at the fun fountain, munching, while I also nursed a grande latte from the adjacent Starbucks. I hadn't been to Detroit since its renovation, and it was a fun airport. After breakfast we walked through the fun tunnel with lights and music a few times. Ellis had a lot fun watching that.

We arrived to Kalamazoo airport. And I wondered how I was going to manage seeing that I couldn't see a darn thing! We were expecting my great-aunt to pick me up. Thankfully, she walked in and found us. And she took us home with her and took care of us!! We had such a nice time with my great-aunt and uncle. And since she has young grandchildren locally, they were fully equipped for all my baby needs. They loved on us and took care of us. Travel-worn and having to pull my head together for my paper, it was so wonderful to be there.

Oh yea, and when I got there and opened my suitcase, there were my stinkin' glasses. I'm an egg-head.

On Thursday I was ready to go. My aunt and uncle took care of Ellis, and I think were mutually entertained. They had a great time with him, and doubtless, he with them. It put me at such ease of mind, since I just didn't know how it all would work out.

I attended interesting sessions, some papers better than others. Met up with Advisor and Friends. Had very helpful read-through with Advisor. And then my session at 3.30. My subfield at K'zoo had a session just before in the same room, so everybody just stuck around and there was a good showing at my session. My paper was sandwiched between to other more established scholars, so I had their roomful, too. And lots of questions afterwards, which I hate, because even though I lived with this topic for a couple of years, I'm still no expert. I think I managed them fairly well. The thing that I don't like is that I can't always spot a dumb question. So I fumble trying to think of something to say and come up with something lame, then afterwards people are like "duh" and that makes me feel better, because I least I had an excuse for being lame. The best part was afterwards everybody was pals with me. Including someone whose area I really want to get into for my dissertation (whenever that happens) and I really like what she does. And she has young kids, so we had the baby thing to talk about, too. She was just cool.

I slept in a bit on Friday (or rather Ellis did, thus I did). And my aunt made us a fabulous breakfast of pancakes and eggs, then I went to a morning session, which was a panel, and I got there and realized that it was boring, and I had no idea what they were talking about, so I flipped through my book and realized a session that I really wanted to be at was happening at that time across campus. So I hoofed it over there trying to get what I could, but I really would have enjoyed the first two papers, and I only made it for the third. Oh well.

Ran into a couple of people I was hoping to bump into. Including former fellow grad student friend now tenure track friend--we were Friday evening library buddies.

But lunch was great. It was a meeting of another subfield closely linked to mine, so lots of friends. And I had good chats and "got involved" a bit. I'll be helping with the newsletter. It's nice to have a little something going on to help me stay in touch since I'm not residing at any institution at the moment.

Then, I left. I knew after a month of travels, I would be too tired to stay for the whole conference. So I was outta there. I had just enough conference to make it worth it and enjoyable. Would've loved to stay for fun dinners with fun peoples, for crashing a few wine receptions, and for hearing a few more papers that looked interesting, but I left satisfied. And, hello!, I didn't ever make it to the book tables.

My aunt took us to the airport in the evening and we were off, arriving in Harrisburg very late.

Posted by at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I am back in New Orleans after a couple of trips to Baton Rouge. Tomorrow I'll drive back to Pensacola, Saturday I'll fly back home. I had a good trip to my Home Institution.

But we pushed my actual defense back to the fall. There's still a lot of work to be done on my thesis. I was crazy (and felt crazy!) for trying to do the whole thing, research included, in three months. It will be finished for good by the fall, though. I had great meetings with my advisor, so I feel refreshed and have direction.

My committee was incredibly helpful. I have a good start, but they gave me some good ideas one how to expand more.

It's miserable to try to write a major project long distance. I'm glad I decided not to do my dissertation this way.

It's been a good trip to Louisiana. Ellis and I miss our daddy/hubby (respectively).

Now I have to focus on my paper that I presenting next week in Kalamazoo. Anybody else going to be there?

Posted by at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I will not be going to more grad school in the fall. No funding. But encouragements to try again next fall.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved. I l-o-v-e this department, but we are so stressed out right now, and I'm so tired, that a little break sounds nice. We need to find a place to live, Chris needs to find a new career, we need to figure out what to do with Ellis's hearing (cochlear implants?), and I need to read all those books I keep saying I'm going to read. :-)

I belong in that deparment, so I will reapply, and hopefully, we'll be in a better place in our life to make it more doable.

I'm at Home Institution right now. I doesn't feel like home. Full of good people but frustrating circumstances.

Posted by at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I turned in my draft.

Good feeling.

Posted by at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The thesis, that is. I'm still working on it.

It's coming together, though. Yesterday, I pasted all my chunks into one document. That was a good feeling. The document is smaller than I intended it to be. Pitiable for a master's thesis, in fact. But oh well. Deal with it. I have a huge table with ms contents and several pics. So there.

I'm going to Baton Rouge on Monday to turn it in. It will be finished by then. It just will be.

I've been fighting feelings of inadequacy over this thing. It's been a rough project from the get-go. Full of skills I didn't have/still don't. Unsure of how to approach it. Long distance from my advisor. Small questions that could be answered by popping my head in his office door take days of email.

I feel like a loser, because I keep writing my committee to push my defense back. Well it's going to be Apr 24, because I'm going to turn it on Monday. (I have to turn it 2 wks in advance). Apr 24 is exactly one month after my originally scheduled defense date.

I promise I'm not a flaky student! I keep judging myself then feel like I have to defend myself to myself.

Yesterday a cousin asked, "So is this the last thing you have to do before your degree?" "yes" "congratulations!" Oh yea. I guess it's worth congratulations. Part of me feels like that since it's just a master's instead of the originally intended PhD that I've sold out. Loser. I keep wanting to say--"oh it's nothing. just a master's" It's bronze instead of gold.

I haven't heard on funding from Local Fab Univ yet. This is the last week to wait--I'll know in a week. I'm not holding my breath, resigning myself. It was a nice dream. Maybe I'll apply again next year.

(This angsty enough for you?)

Posted by at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

D for Draft, that is. I'm hoping to have a full first draft of my thesis done by the end of the week. So far, not so good. I have absolutely zero motivation. I'm trying to keep the trip to Louisiana as the carrot in front of me, but even that is losing its zing.

I always feel better after I've written for a couple of hours. But it is like pulling teeth to sit down for those couple of hours. And, if you knew me when I was little, I HATED pulling my teeth out. I would wait until they were practically falling out and driving my mom crazy.

I did have a good research day at the library last Saturday, so we'll see what kind of position that puts me in for this week's write-a-thon.

Let's see, I think I need more coffee.... :-P

Catch ya later, folks.

Posted by at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm in love with this department. I knew I liked it. I knew that there were a lot of things that I found attractive. But after sitting in faculty offices, chilling with the students, and going to class (yea, a pretty straightforward visit), I've gone from like to love. This is where I belong! The environment is perfect. But I'm still on the waiting list. The DGS was very positive about my application, and it sounds like they really want me to be there. But I must still wait.

Wow. What a journey this has been. I was remembering the fear and trepidation with which I began the whole grad school process four years ago (yes, four. ugh). How inadequate I felt. Then shock at how overadequate I was for my dept. Then gleaning the strengths and trying to ameliorate the weaknesses. The loneliness of being nearly the only grad student in my field. And then, this epiphanic moment last fall that I could start new somewhere else. Even though I was only comps and a diss proposal away from being ABD. Definitely a gutsy leap. I'm glad I made it, though. Even if the waiting list doesn't turn up with a position for me, I'm glad I made that leap. I think I had gotten what I could from my dept. And much as I dearly love and miss the people there, I think it was time to move on.

I sat in the office of an older scholar this morning--one whose name is a fixture in the field, who is beginning to think retirement before too many more years, who has seen this discipline grow. The kind who still wears a tie and jacket and offers to take my coat (yes, I'm wearing a coat in March. :P) and hang it on a hanger. He is, by no means, old-fashioned. The love for his work and for his students exudes from his demeanor and every word. His screen saver had the simple command scrolling across, "Haydn: Finish!" I asked him what one of his favorite courses to teach was, and he said that it was the one that sort of introduces the discipline. He talked about helping his students find their individual scholarly voice, how his role was merely facilitator, how satisfying it is to see each students speaking with their own voice.

Behind my eyes I could feel the sting of tears starting to form, and my face ached from my beaming smile. He articulated something that has been the struggle of my past few years. I'm struggling to find that voice. I have sat in my professor's offices and talked about historiographical angst, and they tell me not to think too hard about it. But what I've been meaning is that very thing. I don't know what my voice is, and I don't have the vocabulary to articulate that. I see shadows of direction and am unsure how to get there. This, I think, has been the source of my angst in recent years, and it never occurred to me! Even though I believe that historical writing is essentially subjective, I never thought what it might mean for me to be the subject through which it is siphoned. It was a beautiful conversation, and had I stayed in his office much longer, I think I really would have cried.

I could go on about all the things I liked. But I think I want that conversation to be the lasting image I carry away from the day. In short, I hope I have a place here someday. If not next fall, perhaps sometime in the future.

Posted by at 9:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Great post by New Kid on the Hallway: Writer's block - a trip down memory lane.

I'm about 3000 words behind. Feeling out of touch, distracted, and hating myself! I have like two weeks left to get in a decent, defendable draft.

Unfortunately, New Kid's advice #1 about climbing out of block (DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF) is not something I've done to myself. My institution is 1200 miles away, and my advisor, much as I love him, isn't exactly chatting it up over email at the moment; I guess there's more than me to worry about on his end. I will say every time I see the area code of my institution pop up on my phone or a new message popped up in the inbox devoted to emails from my institution, I'm filled with dread. Somebody is going to be mad at me for not being more on top of it.

I'm reading. Thinking. Not writing. And I'm not the type of writer that will all of a sudden sit down and write 20 pages after weeks of percolating. I write very slowly. I'm hte type that makes 5 cups of coffee and has 10 snacks. Plus there's life and boy to distract at the moment, too.

Anyway, I appreciated this post.

Posted by at 8:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just got the schedule for my Official Visit to the Fab Local Univ to Which I Really Want to Go But I'm On the Waiting List. A full day ahead. I'm not sure if I've left Ellis for that long, but I think he'll be fine. It'll just be a new record of separation. You spend all that time bonding during pregnancy and newborn and then when you have the bond, you have to spend the rest of the time pushing away. Harumph. Anyway... so my visit.

It looks fun. Bigger than I expected. I just thought I'd have coffee with a couple of people, sit in on the class that I wanted to go to, and call it a day, but it's a bit more and includes one-on-one faculty interviews, which kind of freaks me out a bit. I visited a scholar friend of mine on Monday and she gave me some great pointers on the manuscript I'm studying for my thesis. But sitting there talking to her I realized how out of the groove I am. I just feel foggy headed, brain lapsed.

I'm afraid I'll sit down and wonder "now what is it I'm doing? why am I here?" When I'm not part of the daily in and out of the school year, I feel a little out of touch with reality. I think I'll need a personal pep rally before I go. Talk to all my scholar buddies on the phone the night before. Reread my personal statement (a rare moment of clarity whilst I toil away in the dark). Reread my folder of Inspiring Articles.

I used to long for not being tied down with classes and teaching, just to write and nothing else, but now I see that the greener grass isn't so green after all, because those things started my engine, kept my machine grinding, even if I felt rushed for time. It's hard to keep moving when i'm all alone in my head.

Posted by at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Have you ever heard of Questia?

It is an online library of books and journals, full-text, online, for a modest subscription price. Thousands. I stumbled on it through a Google search for something else, and I was shocked at the search results it provided. Like stuff that was actually relevant!!!! (It's really nice working with books that are digitized, too, because of searching capabilities.) You can search, save things, generate citations.

I have never heard of this service before. It doesn't seem to be institutionally connected (which could be a post in itself, probably), and it seems so...user-friendly. I'm shaking a little, because I don't know what to make of it. Somebody tell me you've heard of this before?!

Posted by at 9:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

"Pending financial availability" I may be starting at the grad school of my choice in the fall. I'm not quite sure what that means, but at least it's not rejection.

(ETA) btw, I guess I should clarify. Funding and acceptance are inextricably connected. So, I guess I should say not rejection...yet. B/c if I don't get offered moolah, they won't offer me a place either. That's just the way it works. It's like a job.

Posted by at 8:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

My prospectus is ok'd by my advisor. (Can I just say that my advisor rocks? I so wish that I wanted to be in his subfield and that my uni wasn't so practically hard to work with, so that I could be writing a dissertation with him instead of some stinkin' master's thesis, so then I wouldn't be sitting in a small panic about wondering if I'll get accepted by Big League universities.)

Anyway, I need to have a solid draft to my committee by March 10. Yea, that's like two weeks. If I write 1,000 a day, maybe I can finish on time.

I can't tell how much I want to defend on the date I picked (March 24). I want to be in Louisiana then. It's so close, I can almost taste it....

I don't know if it's realistic to try to finish by then. Am I fooling myself? I will say that I have a lot more clarity and direction than I did a week ago.

Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Inspired by my post about the frustrations I'm encountering as I research, Amanda at Household Opera, an English PhD who now works at a university library, is writing a series about the difficulties of research inherent in the system. Go check it out!

Posted by at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It turns out the most helpful/important books (yes, that right...books plural) for my thesis are in Italian.

Italian is the only language out of the "big four" (French, German, Italian, Latin) I've never studied formally. Basically, my command of the language is summed up in the content of the "learn how to speak Italian" tapes I listened to before I went to Italy for a seminar in the summer 2004, so that I could at least ask where breakfast was.

But I'm fairly decent at French and Latin, which puts me in good stead with Italian, not only with vocabulary, but with grammatical structure, as well. With a trusty online dictionary, I'm actually making progress, reading, comprehending, taking notes. It's just really, sloooow going. It's kind of exciting, and I'm a little proud of myself.

Posted by at 1:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a bad researcher. I don't know where to go or which search terms to use. I have my old few old faithfuls that have gotten me thus far, like JSTOR, but beyond that I'm not much good.

I can't figure how to assess a database. I think that if I type in a word any book or article that contains the word will come up, right? I mean, it's supposed to search everything, right? Well, not necessarily. Oh. I've been venturing out and trying other databases, but these endeavors aren't very fruitful. I feel like I'm missing something.

It must be my search terms. I think this is where research starts to get creative, coming up with terms that will yield results. I'm feeling very uncreative--fatigue pounding down my brain cells.

Right now, my favorite place to look for stuff is Amazon, because it gives you suggestions for other books and often you search inside the book or search other books it cites or that cite it. Now if we could just get the Amazon model to work for articles, too.

Then there's bibliographies, which are often very nice. The problem is, though, I haven't found much with productive bibliographies. There was article that was really great and informative, but it was from 1954, and everything it cited was like from between 1850 and 1920.

I think I need to decide what this paper is about, so I can get an idea about which web of research to jump in. I don't know. I guess I've never felt so lost before. The way I've researched has always worked before, but with the last two papers (this one and the last), both of which I think are more "original" (whatever that means--I guess more viable in a scholarly world), I've felt my limitations keenly. Maybe I'm moving to a new level, and I haven't found my feet in it yet. Or maybe that's just the optimistic way to look at it.

And this post can pretty much be summed up in: I can't think of anything else to blog about, but wanted to blog something.

UPDATED: When having such research issues as I have outlined above, it's very handy to have friends who have gone to library school to come to your rescue. Thanks, guys!

FEEL NEED TO ADD: I like research. I enjoy the creativity of searching. I'm just used to finding. Before I look like a total idiot who shouldn't be in graduate school, I will say that I've done quite well so far, it's just that I'm faced with a different kind of research now. It's not so simple as "i'm writing a paper about Symphony No. 7 by Famous Composer" or whatever, when you have a nice neat topic. I guess I'm really encountering what it means to have "nobody else who's written on this topic before" for the first time.

Posted by at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Ellis is still kind of snotty. I've hardly gotten a thing done on my thesis in like a week. I did manage to sneak off to Starbucks for a bit Saturday, which was welcome. I'm sleep deprived, not feeling great myself, and void of mental creativity.

But I would just like to stop for a moment to say how much I love you, JSTOR!!! Now if it could only recommend articles like Amazon, and it would pretty nearly perfect. Somehow I managed to actually come up with search terms that yielded what looks to be an interesting bunch of articles to scan through.

Posted by at 7:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So I've scheduled a defense date for my thesis. I don't even have a prospectus in yet. Sheesh. I sure hope I can finish okay.

Very helpful: Regular contact with my advisor. I guess I dupe myself into thinking that if I'm a real scholar I ought to know where to find things and what to do. But I don't, so I think that if that if I just search hard enough I'll find it. And then I'm mad at myself and feel all inadequate, because my search results are fruitless, because I'm not searching right and then I think that I must not be a real scholar since I don't even know where to look! And then I talk to my advisor who effortlessly in an email gives me everything I'm looking for and I just kick myself and say "doh! that's why I'm a student!" I don't have time to mess around. I email him practically every day, and it's been so helpful.

Going to the library is such an ordeal. Baby sitting has to wait for hubby to come home. Food arranged for said baby. A train ride. A walk. A frantic search in my limited time before baby needs the services I can provide. Another train ride. Home again. And then, since I'm not a student at university of the library, I have to email requests to my wonderful, fabulous friends are students who check them out for me. More time. I'm incredibly grateful to my fantastic friends, but it's not like loading up with books on an evening, perusing them the next day, and returning said stack.

I could go on about how awful it was going trying to get Staples to print something out for me. It took me three trips there! I don't have oodles of time, you know?

but I think I'll end on a happy note instead. My husband is so fantastic. He has been so great helping with Ellis, around the house, bringing me tea (!), and just trying to make my life easier to write my thesis in. I'm so thankful for him. He gets me, and that's great.

Posted by at 7:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I figured out today that I have about a month in which to write my thesis before it needs to start rolling towards defence and submission. I'm in turbo mode, which is why I'm posting at 2.30 am. I know I'm up late, when I'm still up when Ellis starts crying for his every three hour night time feed. (Seriously, they do grow out of this sometime, don't they?)

It's so complicated just trying to convey what is in a manuscript.

Posted by at 2:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Okay, I have a prospectus coming due in less than two weeks. More like a week and a half. By MLKing day. I just have one thing to say about that....Aaaaaugh!!!!

If I'm going to write this in one semester, and we all know I take forEVER to write anything, I must maintain turbo mode. I think it'll work. I don't have to go searching for a topic, and that saves time.

MY TOPIC:
I am writing about one particular manuscript in the Rare books library at Local Fab Univ where I Hope I Get Accepted. The ms (that's abbreviation for manuscript) is a handbook containing alphabets, calendars, mathematical tables, and rules for music theory. It is originally an Italian source, written in one hand in Italian and Latin, and dated 1682. The first part of the codex is several alphabets, the most lengthy of which is the first, a Hebrew alphabet and pronunciation guide based on the work of Aldo Manuzio. Alphabets including Greek, Arabic, Italian, and German follow. The codex also includes copies of linguistic treatises, Osservationi nella lingua volgare, attributed to Giovanni Andrea Salici, 1682, and, Orthografia, attributed to Girolamo Capharo. Following the section on language there is a section on calendars, with diagrams depicting sun cycles and tables for the church calendar. It is neatly written with beautiful multicolored diagrams.

The last eleven folios contain Regola per imparare il Canto Figurato and Regola per imparare il Canto Gregoriano. The canto figurato section contains tables of the musical note shapes, their names, and their values, as well as some scale stuff. The last item in the canto figurato section is a detailed diagram of the Guidonian hand with a gamut on a staff at the bottom of the page. The section on canto gregoriano gives a brief definition of the eight modes in terms of the scales and keys the author used in the previous sections.

Here is the picture of the hand. It's basically a mneumonic device for figuring out what notes you can sing together.

A glance at this codex brings to mind several questions I hope to be able to address. Who is the author? The title page has the name Blasius printed boldly across the top, but there is not further indication who this person is. Why did he choose the particular entries he did? Why did he include musical tables? And what do they reflect of the author’s understanding of music theory? How does each of these careful entries into this codex relate and represent one person’s compilation of knowledge? In addition to examining the music theory section of this codex, I hope to situate this section within the broader context of the codex.

*****

So this week's task is to figure who the author is. I'm looking at theorists with the name Blasius (or Italian Biagio). Nobody seems to fall in the right date frame. I kind of think perhaps the author is not a music theorist, rather a humanist. I'm looking through all sorts of databases, perhaps I haven't found the right one yet. What happens if I can't figure out the author?

The project is not an edition, rather a manuscript study. I'm kind of intrigued by that field, but know very little about it. So at the end of the day, I'm still feeling a bit lost. Answers, though, will not be had if I just sit here feeling lost. So off to tackle some more databases, and perhaps alter searching terms. (How did people function before databases?!)

Posted by at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sheesh. I'm not even taking classes, and December is crunching down on me. Well, it's partly because I'm finishing an incomplete. Yea, yea, so shoot me. I realized that 1) I better finish it so the "I" doesn't turn to an "F", and 2) I better finish it so that I don't have an "I" on the transcripts I need to be sending.
The paper is going well, though. I was ploughing on until about mid-October I found out some information that made stop dead in my tracks because I needed to complete change my tack, which was a little unnerving. But now I have new direction and focus for this paper, which is actually a little bit better for me in the long run.

Well, GRE scores are sent. Transcript 1 is sent. Recommendations are being written. I think these applications might actually happen.

Posted by at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Last night I went over to Local Fabulous Univ. Library. I was gone for 5 hours, which is one of the few times so far I've been gone from Ellis for a good chunk of time, perhaps the longest, and conveniently falling during cereal time. :-) I haven't spent that much time librarying since last semester, and, boy, did it feel good. Okay, so basically all i did was photocopy, pages and pages. I bet I have a hundred pages easily, articles, essays, facsimile pages. There's a rhythm to photocopying, and even though it's a little monotonous at times, I get excited about sneakpeeking along the way, seeing keywords pass as I flip page after page. Dude, you know it's been a long time if I'm actually blogging about photocopying.

Another thing is that Local Fab. U. is one of the places to which I'm applying (hence the shade of ambiguity...I've decided not show all my cards on this one, though if you thought really hard, you could probably guess). It was hard not to let myself picture myself belonging there. I felt at home and embarrassed for feeling that way, because, what if I don't get accepted.

It's been a good experience filling out these applications. I think I've finally finished my personal statement. It's taken me literally two months to write it. It's been through five major incarnations, with levels of polishing at each one. I've easily written ten drafts of the thing. The process has largely been one of my figuring myself out, which is a good exercise. I had to harness all my flailing thoughts into some sort of definable continuity. I had to figure out how to describe how I function, and in the process gained the focus I needed to go the next step. I've been feeling aimless and drained of ideas this last year, unsure of what I am doing, yet knowing that I was in the right area. Writing the personal statement helped me see ahead through the fog a bit, and I'm so glad. It just makes me want to go to this school even more.

Posted by at 8:06 AM | Permalink

I don't need to dress up as Superwoman for Halloween. All i have to do is look in the mirror!

Anyway, in case you missed me these past couple of days, here's what I've been up to. I went to the annual, national meeting of my professional organization, which was in DC. Since I now live in Philly, I drove down, and since I now have a 4 mo old, he went too.

I was a little worried going all alone. For one thing, it was Ellis's longest carride to date, and for another, I wasn't sure how I was going to maneuver at the conference. Well, Ellis did great in the car. He slept almost the whole way down and definitely the whole back. Overall, Ellis did very, very well.

I drove down on Wednesday night and the first thing I did upon arrival in DC was get lost. I was staying with a friend from Cov (Autumn F. for those who care), and she lives in the city proper, not far at all from the capitol. On Thursday morning, I decided to drive over to the hotel where the conference is since I had baby gear and stuff for the student welcome table that I organized. It was a harrowing experience. I will never drive in DC again! I thought I could manage city driving, but this city is a nightmare. Going ot the hotel was okay, mostly because we were going at like -5mph. It took about an hour and a half to go 5 miles straight through the city. Coming back was horrible; I got so lost and have no idea why. It's like all of a sudden I'm on the wrong road, circling around the Washington Monument! Harumph. I don't like being defeated by directions, because normally I'm very good at figuring out maps, directions, and generally where I am.

Thursday i set up the student welcome table and welcomed students. It's nice for first time attending students, because a major academic conference can feel pretty intimidating, esp. if you come alone or barely knowing anyone. This was my fifth year attending, and it was fun to be able to catch up with people I've gotten to know over these past few years. And there was our small Covenant crowd, yay! I left early Thursday evening. Exhaustion set in, and I knew Friday would be intense.

I got up at 5 am on Friday and was on the Metro by 6.45. LOVE the DC metro! I didn't jump on the whole metro idea at first, because I knew I would have to take a cab home since the metro station was a mile from my friend's house, and I wasn't going to walk a mile in the middle of the night, surely the hour of my return. So in order to take a cab, I would have to bring the car seat. But I managed the Metro. I strapped Ellis to my front in the Bjorn. Piled all my stuff (including the carseat) into the stroller and took elevators. It worked great. And when my midnight departure from the conference rolled around, I was so thankful just to load into a cab and not have to think about anything. I had a 7 am breakfast meeting, and I rolled in with Ellis and the moderator rolled in with a stroller and a 5 yr old, sticking an Elmo DVD into his laptop and asking one of us to take minutes. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about being there with my baby.

Bringing Ellis to the conference at first made me nervous, because, well, you know, academia isn't exactly up there in the family friendly scale. But it turned out really well. I received so many encouraging and supportive comments from women who had brought their babies in years past (or at least wished they had been able to, depending on how many years have passed). At one point, another woman and I were in the same lounge nursing, and she joked that this was beginning to feel like a La Leche League meeting. It was also rather amusing to see super famous scholars (men and women alike) melt at the sight of Ellis's bright blue eyes and cheery smile peering out the top of my Bjorn. (I was also able to get in some good conversations with people I probably wouldn't have approached otherwise. Go Ellis!) However, i didn't have the bravery to bring Ellis into any paper sessions, though one woman encouraged me to go ahead and do so. Joanna held E for a bit so I could catch a couple papers in teh afternoon. I tried to go to singing from Ren facsimiles (my favorite event!), but he was just too fussy. Oh well. After dinner, we went to a 10pm reception and chatted with people. He had been sleeping in my Bjorn, but then he woke up and started CryFest, so I left, got him settled, and caught my cab home. We were both exhausted. And after two days of juggling baby and conference, i was feeling a bit at my wit's end.

I was so thrilled for the dawn of Saturday, because Chris arrived. He came down on Amtrak and took over boy duty. I got to go hear some really fabulous papers, catch up with a couple of people I needed to talk to, and just have some relief. Phwew! I was really ready for him to come. After my morning mile walk to the Metro (with boy in bjorn, stuff in stroller), my body just ached and my head pounded from strain of the past two days. Saturday was an important day for me. I was really excited by the papers I heard. We had super fun with our Cov friends. And then in the evening I hit a couple of parties held by places where I'm applying to grad school.

Yes, I said applying.
For many good reasons, I decided to finish where I am with a master's and apply to new PhD programs. I had a good talk with my advisor about it. And I'm feeling really good about this decision. The thing is, though, that the only viable options in my area are Ivy League, which is good...if I get accepted. So I'm madly working on my applications, and I did some good networking over the weekend. So we'll see!

The hour time change didn't ameliorate my 1am bedtime, and we struggled awake in the morning. Poor Ellis slept all day and all night. Being a good conference baby is also exhausting!

So we're back. I feel refresehd, recharged, and excited.

...and I'm off tomorrow to go to Florida to visit my g'ma.

Posted by at 3:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

...because I still don't have a topic.

But I managed to find the article I was looking for (I knew it had to be in the house somewhere). Because of the move everything keeps getting shifted around, so I can't find anything. And my being a good student really depends a whole lot on environment. (I.e. I have to have my space just so.) At this point, I don't know where anything is, I don't have a library, my advisor is 1200 miles away. I'm lost! Grrr. (I am trying to f