my personal roller coaster
I was feeling all excited today because I've basically made it to 36 weeks (well, as of tomorrow) and now I can deliver at the birth center instead of the hospital. My mom came for the day, and we took a long walk around the arboretum, which I've been holding back on, so it was nice to go. The baby is SO incredibly low and low back pain (that's been different from my other back pain) started last night; general yuckness. But no real contractions, just occasional Braxton Hicks. I've been holding back and resting, and today I felt excited and free to have this baby.
Then we went to my midwife appt. And I found my GBS test was positive. And she's like "It's hard when your first baby is early, because you could easily go all the way with your next." which is true. And sort of had been my mindset until our stint at the hospital a week and a half ago to stop contractions. I mentioned that I had already been at the hospital to stop labor and she was like--oh that wasn't labor or you would've have the baby; you'll have that kind of thing a lot at the end and you should just ignore it. No, they weren't contractions producing dilation, but it's hard to just ignore contractions coming every 3-5 mins for over 8 hours! Such as that stint was. whatever.
She didn't say anything that wasn't true. I could very well go all the way to 40 weeks. But she wasn't very encouraging about it either, just sort of matter-of-fact. And I kind of thought she'd do an internal exam, which she didn't, which is probably good, because unnecessary prying around is probably good to avoid, but it left me feeling like a pregnant blob and not like someone who might give birth soon. She didn't say anything encouraging about the fact that I made it this far. And in a sense, she didn't say anything different than the midwife said last time (there are 7 in the group, so I'm always seeing a different one), but last week the way the other midwife said it encouraged me and motivated me to keep persevering.
When we got to the car, I just cried. I cried all the way home and cried myself to sleep for a nap. I'm glad my mom was here.
I don't know what i was expecting. I guess I've been focusing too much on just making it to May 1 that May 29 just seemed like a laughable impossibility. Or maybe part of me even thought that if she did an internal exam she'd exclaim "holy cow! this baby is going to fall out!" I sort of feel like I've been running a marathon and starting to feel like i could spot the finish line, but someone pointed out to me that there was this whole extra 5k loop that I hadn't seen. Maybe I'll have this baby in four days, maybe in four weeks. Maybe some people just feel this crappy for weeks and weeks. And it's probably a good thing for the baby to bake a little longer. *sigh* I just feel really discouraged.
Right now I'm just trying to focus on being thankful for the little encouragements: my mom being here and my friend making us a meal for tonight.
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Aw, Jeannette, hang in there! I'm totally feeling for ya and rooting for this little one come soon.
Posted by: RT | April 30, 2008 09:33 PM
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One more thing to be thankful for...that the baby has hung around long enough for you to be able to give birth at the Birthing Center! ;) He will come out when he's ready...just relax and enjoy the roller coaster ride while you can because it will be all over before you know it! ;)
Posted by: Keri | April 30, 2008 09:35 PM
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Oh, Jeanette! I understand. I went straight home and cried after every appointment I had once I passed 37 weeks. Nothing was changing and I was just so desperate to have the baby and not be pregnant anymore. It is a very specific kind of uncomfortable, the end of pregnancy. But I know you can do it! And sometimes I think members of the medical profession should have to spend five minutes of every day feeling what their patients feel so they might be a little more empathetic and encouraging and a little less clinical and distant. *End rant.*
I'm glad you've got some helping hands around. Relax and let them carry some of the load for you. Well, you know, the non-baby-belly load.
Posted by: Haley | April 30, 2008 09:36 PM
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I feel for you! The last part is so hard and the waiting seems unbearable.....
You can do it!
Try and relax and enjoy some special time with E. Before you know it this time will be a distant memory.
Posted by: Sarah R. | May 1, 2008 06:39 AM
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I wish I could just say that I wish I was in the "too big to function" phase and not in the "sick, almost barfy, and tired stage". I feel gross too. Just on the other end of things.
I was pregnant forever, so even though my tentative due date is Dec 18, I plan to be in the hospital on Christmas Day. It's so hard to WAIT. The best thing about getting to 40 weeks is that there is no worry about ANY premie symptoms, at least the doctors can't add that to your list of worries. I hope you start feeling better and ultimately start dialating!
Posted by: katiek | May 1, 2008 08:18 AM
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hey j-net! i'm so sorry you're uncomfortable! but i hope you have a fun day today -- have a good lunch with D, and "M," and little J (and E, of course). Wish I could be there with you all!
Posted by: becki | May 1, 2008 09:47 AM
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Stinks that I am not there because I am so exactly, right on totally with you. Not that I ever expected this one to come more than 2 weeks early, but I have had a lot of "weird feelings" and "General yuckiness" and random contractions. Jer even stayed home from work yesterday morning because I had such a rough night and then I felt great, and then I felt horrible again and I slept great last night and I feel fine today. And whilie I don't really want to go through labor again (kinda stuck aren't I) I was starting to get excited about baby coming!
All that to say I am the one sitting next to you on the roller coaster! So many emotions....leaving the other kids....going through the pain....cancelling plans and then feeling stupid because nothing happened....
If I were there I would totally take you out to dinner tonight...and a third party...you know...uh....just in case.....one of us went in to labor....
Posted by: jonesey | May 1, 2008 10:20 AM
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I'm sorry, J! You know you have a sympathetic audience-- we all know EXACTLY what you're talking about. It is HARD!! It doesn't seem fair to be so uncomfortable for weeks on end. But you are in the home stretch-- you're so close. Just keep doing what you're doing, distract yourself with friends and family and day trips, and before you know it, it'll be here for real. Try some new recipes, do a quick crafty project, blog, just stay busy!
Praying for ya!
Posted by: WonderGirl | May 1, 2008 10:36 AM
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Aww. Jnet, you're so cute with that funny big ball!
Posted by: mom1 | May 1, 2008 11:33 AM
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J - For what it's worth, I think you look great! I know E was an early surprise, but it's possible the rest of your babies will go full-term. I had ALL of my babies late (and you might want to begin thinking of the possibility that you could go PAST your due date. You never know!) My babies were (in order): 6 days late, 1 month late, 2 weeks late, 2 1/2 weeks late. Heavy sigh. I learned to ignore due dates. There is NO yuckiness like pregnancy yuckiness.
Posted by: mary kathryn | May 1, 2008 05:21 PM
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Midwives don't usually do an internal exam. Most midwives believe in a less invasive type of care and I have come to like that sort of style. Instead of stressing about making sure I'm "clean" down there, it's much more relaxed and in my experience, I can look forward to the visits from the midwife. I am currently with a regular baby doctor and I am so not happy with her, but at this point, I know what to expect and I won't need to go back to see her again after I have the baby in June. Hang in there, the end result is so worth the wait!
Posted by: jenny | May 2, 2008 12:20 AM