The itch that needs scratching
I don't know why I am even blogging about this, since it will likely end up in a fruitless ramble and totally uninteresting. It just rolls around in my head all the time. I'm always thinking about "when I get back into research/into a PhD program". I'm not working on anything now. Not a thing. Quiet moments I steal for sewing. It feels more productive, and it has instant gratification status. Something research doesn't have. I don't feel gratified about my thesis and the stupid thing is signed, sealed, and delivered. In fact, as I was dusting this morning, I had the thought again, "was it even any good?" Obviously I passed. And my committee members aren't the type of people who would "just be nice" and let it pass. So it couldn't have entirely stunk. But still, it's not the taste that I want left in my mouth on this hiatus from brain work. Whatever. It is what it is.
Anyway, the thesis aside, it is done after all--I do think about other things. I think that I ought to be keeping up my chops in some areas, medieval/Ren notation, Latin, languages. I should read those books that I never got to. Linger over passages I never had time for. It's more than just an "i ought to". I do want to. I miss the ol' repertoire I was starting to get familiar with, starting to make a home in. I've missed it for awhile, since it wasn't anywhere near my thesis topic. I feel like if I sit down with it, it will start coming back to me, like riding a bike. I have a very solid foundation in reading mensural notation. And I love it!
In the Christmas season, I went to hear Anonymous 4. I should've blogged about it, because it was a fantastic concert experience. Partly due to the fact that I simply cannot remember that last time I had gone to a concert. The time is measured in years, for sure. It may have been when I went to hear the Emerson Quartet in spring 2004. I'm really pathetic. But anyway, back to Anon. 4, they sang a medieval mass the parts of which they had assembled. It had a little something of everything, early polyphony, chant, tropes of varying sorts, songs. A nice showcase of 13th/14th century liturgical music. It felt really good to listen to it--and thrilling to be hearing it live--partly because I knew what was going on. Even after this break in even thinking about it, I really understood the different parts musically as I listened to them. (And I kind of felt like giving a music appreciation class to everyone around me, but I managed to restrain myself.)
Sometimes I feel annoyed. Why do I know all this stupid, esoteric stuff? What was the purpose of slaving away in grad school for 5 years? All that work is hardly making a difference in my life now. That's not to say that it won't possibly someday. It just feels annoying now.
Other than reading a little and possibly working through my facsimile, which has a great variety of 14th/15th c repertoire, I'm not sure what else I could be doing right now. There's no way I could work on an article. I do have a couple of ideas, but they would take a major investment of time and energy that I'm not prepared to give. If I do ever reapply to PhD programs, though, I don't want to have a big fat blank in these intervening years. I guess if I ever got to the point of writing a personal statement, I would've figured some of this out anyway. You can't just apply in an aimless sort of way. You have to be someone worth investing in. Whatever. I'm just not that person at this phase in my life. Especially since I'm having another baby in a few months. Yes, can you believe it!? I'm still pregnant!!
I don't want to sound dissatisfied with where I am right now, because I'm really happy to be doing what I'm doing, raising my babies. I want the freedom I have to spend hours playing cars with E. And it's hard to think of splitting my precious mental energy. It's just that, well, I am the sum of my past, I suppose. I can't just break off that bit of me I invested so much and totally shelve it. But it's there on the shelf. And sometimes I think I could be happy just leaving it there forever. I don't know. *shrug*
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I kind of know about this mental thing your talking about. I have invested my time in different ways, but I keep coming back to "which part is worth it?" and "how does that help me now?" I just started back to school after ten years. I think I have done very well with out the degree everyone said I needed. Now I am going more because I want to go than anything else. But I have this terrible nagging question about if it is worth the investment...
The sewing is wonderful as a juxtaposition. I can feel accomplished in moments with some fabric and a bit of thread...
Posted by: anilia | February 20, 2008 09:11 AM
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I don't know if it helps, but I've been feeling the same way lately. Granted, I'm working on my dissertation. But at the same time, I feel so detached from the academic community. 600 miles from my department. A little envious when I hear about colleagues working on publications, giving papers at conferences (even being able to attend a conference!), getting full-time teaching jobs, getting compositions performed (that's one of the hardest for me, in some ways it feels like that door was doubly closed), etc.
In spare moments, if both kids are napping and I have energy, I can work on my dissertation. But a cynical part of me says, "what for?" For now, it seems like my "obscure" musical knowledge is employed in picking out Stephen Foster songs in the soundtracks to Looney Tunes cartoons. *shrug*
I want to be a mom. But putting most of the music scholar part of my identity on the shelf does feel like a loss. I think it's okay for it to feel like a loss.
Watching bits of Babette's Feast as I nursed this morning was probably not the best thing to do in this sort of mood...
Posted by: Jo | February 20, 2008 12:36 PM
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I can relate to your sentiment, just for different reasons. I'm perfectly happy doing the full-time mom gig, but I've got a teaching certificate that is drying up and not much of an urge to go back into the public schools. My spirit was being systematically crushed leading up to the day that I quit. I now wonder what I will do next, and how it will be do go back to college at the age of 40! I'm actually thinking about deaf education...
Posted by: Hetha | February 20, 2008 05:01 PM
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Today in the fabric store the older lady cutting fabric for the long line of women, holding bolts and bolts of Great Sale fabric, launched into a lecture about the lace trim she was cutting. She told us the pattern was created by Katherine of Aragon, and how Katherine spent many years as a virtual prisoner in Kenilworth Castle, where she spent hour upon hour making lace, etc. etc. The lady gave us INFINITE detail above and beyond the knowledge of a hobbyist. I wonder, is there a dissertation in a drawer somewhere in her house?
Posted by: Grammy | February 20, 2008 06:06 PM
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Is it a little like sending children to school and claiming that what they learn will be useful to them someday but we really don't know just how or what for? We do know that they will find it useful at a time when they need it, which is too late to go back and do all the stuff they did in school. If there is one thing a woman must learn is that you do different things at different times in your life and to hang on to one particular time because you liked it so much would spoil it somehow. I guess some of the 'times' seem to clash. This week I have thought "I am still a mother of 5!" This morning Nick called about 5:15 (to check on the roads) and Luisa got up about 5:30. She couldn't sleep and she was hungry. Maybe she is getting better!
Posted by: mom1 | February 22, 2008 11:34 AM
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I can TOTALLY relate although I'm a couple of steps ahead of you, so to speak, in the brink of getting my Ph.D. and with the two boys already here, growing.
This is the part that I dream about doing when it's all over, but that I know it won't be easy to accomplish: I also think that "I should read those books that I never got to. Linger over passages I never had time for. It's more than just an "i ought to". I do want to." I want to as well, and I have shelves full of books ready to be opened and read. I haven't enjoyed reading books more or less leisurely for many many years now. Graduate school didn't help with that at all.
Now... I'd love to go to a concert with you and been given the music appreciation lecture. Of course I know nothing of medieval music, but still... I do love music.
I loved your grandma's comment about the lady in the fabric store and a dissertation hidden in a drawer somewhere -- it was so insightful!!
I think it's lovely that your family and friends read your blog and have "conversations" with you in this manner. I wish it could be like that with me too. (I'm thankful that at least one of my SIL reads and is also a blogger).
Posted by: Lilian | February 24, 2008 03:50 PM