mothering and grace
Becoming a parent is, um...well, "difficult" would be an understatement. From carrying a child, to labor, to breastfeeding, to sleep deprivation, to mobility, to meltdowns. Wow, we haven't even made it three years in our parenting journey and I'm ready for the nap of the century.
There is one thing I'm glad I didn't do much of at first and, and at the same time, that wish I had done more of. Ah, the crazy world of parenting literature. I'm glad I let common sense and my God-given mothering instincts guide me in the first few months of my baby's life. I'm glad a few choice books came across my path. I'm glad I was cautious about them. But as my wonderful, crazy toddler grows at alarming rates physically, emotionally, educationally, etc. I find my resources taxed and looking for more.
Two just became Two and a Half in our house. I won't say every moment is a picnic, but I refuse to believe in the Terrible Twos. The Two's aren't terrible. They are a wonderful time of learning. A lot is happening to my little guy's world. He's doing more, understanding more, expressing more. He understands enough of his world to know that something should be in place, but not enough to see a slightly bigger picture. (Like he doesn't understand why we don't get the snowy, wet cart from the outdoor shopping cart corral thing-y and cries and points to it all the way to inside the store, where I show him that indeed Mom did not forget the shopping cart.) He has a lot of meltdowns, because he's grown just that much more but not quite to the next step of logic. He also needs to be given more outlets to be creative and to explore in his ever-expanding world. It's exhausting.
But things go best when I get off my butt and make things happen for him (which, I gotta say, is considerably more difficult when one is pregnant and sleep-deprived thanks to said pregnancy)--and pray for grace to love my child.
I've also found considerable encouragement from other mamas who also have two year olds who throw fits.
We’re not pitted against eachother—there is no battle of the wills, where I must be ever on gaurd from this evil two year old tyrant who wants to take me down. He’s just a little two year old who’s learning the ropes of life, severely handicapped by a two year old brain incapable of adult level reasoning or why we only watch movie’s at certain times, not to mention a two year old body incapable of performing most basic functions, including running without tripping on his face.There’s a lot going on in that little person’s world. I’m bigger. I have the power. This is a lot of responsibility! It’s up to me how I use it—-for him, or for me. Jesus talked about those who have power, about what they should do with it. Something about being the servant of all…
Seems to me that’s what Proverbs 13:24 is saying, that if I love the little squirt, I’ll put down what I’m doing when he needs me, that I’ll use my power to guide him, just like the shepherd gets up off the grass and guides his sheep back in when they start wandering out of his sight. He’s not beating them, he’s guiding them. I’m guiding my kid when I say,
“Sorry, little dude, no movie. But come here—come sit with Mommy.”
I put down my dishes and my plans for the moment and I make the time to sit and comfort a kid who’s learning that life doesn’t always give him what he wants. We’re on the same team, he and I, and I like it so much better this way.
Molly is a blogger I met through a mothering forum. I just wanted to point out her series on parenting and grace. Mostly reflections, ponderings, working through things out loud. She's also invited some guest bloggers. We come from different backgrounds, socially and theologically, but I really appreciate her thoughts and perspectives as a mother of five. They are refreshing to me as a new parent, especially as a new parent who desires more than anything to show Christ to my covenant child.
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lovely post. I don't believe in the terrible two's, either. Or maybe I believe people create them because they're told that's what being 2 is all about.
it's really wonderful when they grow out of a stage, too, and you realize, wow...she really didn't understand before but now everything I've tried to teach her about X is sinking in. Like today, Kizzy had a meltdown on our evening walk--she's sick with a cold. I didn't get mad at her, I just shifted into "let me take care of you" mode. While she was waiting for me to get her medicine ready, she said "mama, I'm having a rough time right now because I'm sick."
Those are the moments. Because that's what I would tell her when she was 2 and melting down, giving her language to describe what she's going through. And she really does get it.
Sorry to hijack your post. Just really liked your thoughts here.
Posted by: Anastasia | December 18, 2007 12:03 AM
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I have a friend (one nearly my mom's age who had a surprise baby just a year older than Hannah) who told me that they are not the terrible twos, but the "teachable twos." I really appreciated this post as well and may be visiting that blog as well...
Posted by: Erin | December 18, 2007 08:48 AM
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Just yesterday, I went shopping with a friend who has a 2 year old and a baby. The toddler was having an awful day with meltdown after meltdown. My friend melted down herself as soon as we got into the car. I reminded her that it's just one day, that there will be other, better days and better moments. It's just all part of the process of mommyhood. I can look back and remember those days and now I'm missing them because time flies wayyyyyy too fast and they grow up too fast.
So hang on to these toddler years-- they're precious!
Posted by: Deaf Mom | December 18, 2007 09:19 AM
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There is much of living in tune with children when raising them and looking for the deeper issues. I'll have to say, though, that Ellis is not a terrible two. But "terrible' has as much to do with the onslaught of situations a 2 yr old can get in to without taking a breath as anything, and maybe, he is just a little terrible there! I had a book on nursing that said that when the older toddler saw you cuddling and nursing the newborn, he would want to "join in the warmth" and snuggle up, too. My toddler looked at me with this expression of "You're pretty stuck there for now, aren't you?!" :>) Same toddler, the oldest of 3 at 3 was ringleader of "take apart the living room parties while Mom nurses the baby." Maybe that wasn't so naughty as exasperating, but what new things could have been discovered the 50th time of dismantling the furniture? Should I feel guilty because my "self interest" couldn't stand it every single day? You mamas need to go easy on the mothers whose child will Not be distracted or redirected. They need some grace, too.
Posted by: mom1 | December 18, 2007 09:26 AM
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thanks for the link jeannette. it was great to read some of her perspective.
Posted by: charity | December 18, 2007 11:21 AM
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oh its the terrific twos right!!! ha, i love it when people call it that! it is very challenging, and you think that having a sibling helps, it does in some aspects. its also difficult having a 2 yr old GIRL. totally different from her brother. she's more dramatic and responds more to dicussion than physical discipline. it will be very different as she approaches 3 and has her brother goes to kindergarten--eep! i'll have her all to myself and those activities will be different for her. i'll check out that forum, sounds cool. i love seeing all the things you do with E and all his enthusiasm toward the activities. your doing great Jeanette and I'm glad we're in this 2 year old adventure together!!
Posted by: katiek | December 18, 2007 03:01 PM
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Thanks for the nice words, Diber. I wish I had your perspective when I parented my first two year old!
Posted by: Molly | December 18, 2007 04:19 PM
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Jeannette. Well said. I don't believe in the terrible twos either. I think kids live up to the labels people put on them. I love this stage. Watching Jack put things together and seeing him develop language is one of the most fun things I've ever experienced. He definitely can throw a VERY good tantrum though and because he is always developing and growing, I have to, daily, reevaluate my discipline strategy. I guess it keeps me on my toes. Hey, a great book that I read and liked a whole lot was "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman. It had a lot of very practical suggestions and did a great job of training kids Biblically. Ted Tripp, who I really appreicate, endorsed the book. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Krista | December 19, 2007 09:39 AM
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Molly's posts are really encouraging and I found myself reading through the comments as though I was sitting in a group of women from my own church. I'm impressed at the gentle discussions taking place there. Every mom desires to please God with her actions--and that's something you don't see all the time when it comes to opinions on childrearing.
I do wonder about the two year old move tantrum. It's wonderful that a comforting cuddle cured the fit, but I wonder what happens when the toddler rejects mama's arms and begins to spit, scream, bite and writhe on the floor. I also like the idea of allowing a child to throw a tantrum in his bedroom in private, but what happens when he disobeys and comes out of the room to throw the tantrum?
Final note (sorry to post such a long comment!). I like the mothering forum you linked to. Is it open to moms who aren't exclusively AP?
Posted by: RT | December 19, 2007 12:40 PM
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"I like the mothering forum you linked to. Is it open to moms who aren't exclusively AP?"
Hi, Rebecca! I've been part of the Mothering by Grace board from its inception, and I wanted to let you know that you are fully welcome there!
MbG does self-identify as "attachment parenting" supportive--but that is more in the interest of self-disclosure rather than prescriptive for members. This is the statement of vision and beliefs.
We welcome mothers from a variety of viewpoints and only ask that they refrain from posting things that are directly contradictory to the statement of beliefs. For example, if someone says "I am having trouble getting my baby to sleep through the night, any suggestions?," we ask that people refrain from saying "let that 6 week old cry it out, it's good exercise for their lungs."
However, MbG does not have a list of "AP rules" that everyone must check off to be part of the community. In fact, part of our statement of beliefs recognizes "that God has given parents the responsibility for decisions for their own children, and that we support parents making researched, prayerful decision. . ."
Posted by: TulipGirl | December 20, 2007 08:16 PM