the load and all that
So now that the Thesis is officially over, everyone keeps asking me if I feel like a load has been lifted.
Well, to be honest, no.
My back hurts all the way up through my neck and my aching eyes send pain to meet where the back left off somewhere on my head. That's sort of a metaphor for how I'm feeling. (I do have pretty much a constant headache, but I think I need new glasses.)
I don't really know why the burden is still there. Well, I do have some ideas.
This whole time I'm bummed because it's just a master's. Five years ago when I started grad school, the end goal was a PhD. A year ago, I demoted myself after three years of coursework, before comps, because my practical life's considerations couldn't write a dissertation in their present state. So wouldn't it be some sick twist of academia for me to still feel like a failure even after I achieved something? I know it probably sounds dumb. But that's my head right now.
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I hear you about the burden not immediately going away. I just finished my thesis as well. When I sent in the final draft there was definitely a feeling like my head was up and I could now see the world, but when you've carried a burden for so long, it doesn't just shake off in a moment. I still have to remind myself (three weeks later) that I don't have to feel like I should be working on the thesis when I'm doing something I enjoy. It's almost like you have to heal when it's all said and done -- and that takes time. Congrats again Di'b!
Posted by: charity | 16.04.07 08:33
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I know there are *good* things about getting your Masters as well, but I don't think I'll ever want to pursue it after going through these journeys with you and Charity!
Posted by: RT | 16.04.07 10:47
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Oh Jeannette, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I think I would too, it's always frustrating to feel that you've "settled for less" for reasons beyond your control.
About the weight being lifted (I was going to write "weight lifting" :) I'm beginning to suspect that I really won't feel like a weight was lifted either. I think I'd only feel that if I finished and had any prospects, like a job. As it is, my feeling already is that I have no idea why I'm gonna have this Ph.D. maybe just for "vanity" or whatever. At least it'll be done.
I hope you feel better about this after some time.
Posted by: Lilian | 16.04.07 11:58
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I don't think it's uncommon to feel blah after finishing a big project. Just take some time to relax and do fun crafty things or other things you haven't been able to do as much of lately. ;-)
We're all really proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself! I really admire the commitment and perserverance in completing your thesis.
Posted by: Jo | 16.04.07 12:37
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Dearest Jeannette, everything we do is a 'God-willing'. It is a fine thing to make big plans and go for them with energy and commitment (sometimes having to choose between the two), but nothing is a 'must-have' unless God wills it. There were good reasons for switching to a Masters and that is why you did. Someday you may even get your PhD. Just because you got your Master's doesn't mean you are not going to go on ever. I thnnk your friends are right. Your emotions are pretty normal. While getting this thesis done has been hard work, I think there was a lot of it you enjoyed and gained from. I am a bit releived myself because I knew you were NOT going to be content with a BA! Love you, mom
Posted by: mom1 | 18.04.07 08:33