Moot Thoughts & Musings

I can hear Ellis's steady breathing of slumber coming over the baby monitor. He's turning into such a big kid. He's a toddler. Each day he's more of a kid and less of a baby. I'm almost embarrassed to admit, but I'm kind of sad. I mean, I'm glad, definitely, but a little sad, too. That was a special time.

I think he's weaned, too. It's been a couple of weeks now. At 15 months he was still nursing a few times over a 24 hr period, and then somehow we got down to just in the morning when he got up. And then one morning we had to go somewhere quickly, so I rushed our routine and skipped the nursing and handed him a milk bottle. And the next morning, I just thought, "I'm done." And I haven't nursed since. I think if the opportunity presented itself, he'd take it, but he's perfectly happy with the bottle/cup, too. I didn't feel anything when I stopped nursing, no fullness, no pain. So I guess we truly weaned. I feel a little guilty. Sixteen months of nursing is good, but there's part of me that says that i should've gone to 18 or 20 or two years. I'm glad to be done, but at the same time, I'm a little sad.

We've had a busy weekend. A church event last night, worship today. I volunteered for Nursery Duty last night and then realized I was scheduled for Duty tonight. I've spent a lot of time in the nursery negotiating social relations of the Under Two Crowd. Is it any wonder I have a headache? Sharing is an abstract concept. It requires you to think beyond yourself. The Under Two's are just beginning to think; how much more is it to think beyond oneself? It's hard with Ellis being deaf, too. I can't call to him across the room, "Don't take!!" It's a social situation that requires immediate attention, because the offense is so quickly forgotten. It's hard explaining to him not to take, because inevitably I take the pilfered toy from him. He looks at me without understanding as I try to explain to him to give. How much more is Give Back? Ellis climbed on top of the toy kitchen in the church nursery. In addition to sharing, I hop around the nursery teaching him to sit when encountering a chair and not to climb (skills we are also working on at home).

I've also expended a lot of energy of late negotiating my own social relations. People who I don't know well. People who are not Like Me. People with whom I would like to spend more time. My baby is becoming a toddler; how I mother him changes. My husband works a bazillion of insane hours; how we maintain a relationship changes.

And recently, I feel like I've spent a lot of mental energy negotiating my own self relations. I've felt really stupid for a lot of this past week. And it's hard to explain why (beyond hormones). It's like I'm walking down the street, feeling like I should be walking down the street. And then I glimpse my reflection in a window that I pass, and I feel exposed like I'm on the wrong street and everyone else knows it. Feelings of inadequacy? isolation?

I'm exhausted. Hopefully, I will not spend part of tonight on the floor of Ellis's room.