insert existential questions, momentary lapse of the brain
I just got the schedule for my Official Visit to the Fab Local Univ to Which I Really Want to Go But I'm On the Waiting List. A full day ahead. I'm not sure if I've left Ellis for that long, but I think he'll be fine. It'll just be a new record of separation. You spend all that time bonding during pregnancy and newborn and then when you have the bond, you have to spend the rest of the time pushing away. Harumph. Anyway... so my visit.
It looks fun. Bigger than I expected. I just thought I'd have coffee with a couple of people, sit in on the class that I wanted to go to, and call it a day, but it's a bit more and includes one-on-one faculty interviews, which kind of freaks me out a bit. I visited a scholar friend of mine on Monday and she gave me some great pointers on the manuscript I'm studying for my thesis. But sitting there talking to her I realized how out of the groove I am. I just feel foggy headed, brain lapsed.
I'm afraid I'll sit down and wonder "now what is it I'm doing? why am I here?" When I'm not part of the daily in and out of the school year, I feel a little out of touch with reality. I think I'll need a personal pep rally before I go. Talk to all my scholar buddies on the phone the night before. Reread my personal statement (a rare moment of clarity whilst I toil away in the dark). Reread my folder of Inspiring Articles.
I used to long for not being tied down with classes and teaching, just to write and nothing else, but now I see that the greener grass isn't so green after all, because those things started my engine, kept my machine grinding, even if I felt rushed for time. It's hard to keep moving when i'm all alone in my head.
Comments
I had a very similar kind of visit at my current school after I received my offer. I was also nervous about it, but it was incredibly friendly. The one on one interviews were very much geared towards selling me on the school and saying nice things about my application, making sure I knew all the school's strong points, etc. It felt a lot more like an elaborate event staged for my benefit than me being on the spot. As for the leaving of Ellis, I feel your pain, but you may find it's not as hard once you're away and involved in something else. I freaked out the first time I had to be gone for a day, and then I freaked out again once I was gone and realized it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I hope it all goes well!
Posted by: Harriet | 20.03.06 22:04